Insight of my life

2010-04-26T06:40:00.001-07:00

My blog has moved to http://www.youruntypicalguy.blogspot.com/ . It is still 'under-construction' at the time of writing, but if you see something, read my self-description article as well as an update over the past 4 months.

2010; A Decade has passed, a new decade promising positive change

2009-12-30T22:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the 1st of January, 2010, is the first day of a new decade of promise, a promise of a better future and a better life. Gone is the old decade (the first decade of the new millennium) where I spent my Primary and Secondary school days, where everything seems to be stagnant. Here comes a new decade where my path poses me a choice of totally different paths to trudge on, whether it's Junior College, Polytechnic or even straight to National Service (where afterwards I get to choose between the Center of American Education-Broward Program or the American High School/International Baccalaureate Diploma program). This is the crossroads/intersection of paths to take, the one that will lead me to my dream of studying in America. This New Year is not only a new decade, but a new breeding ground for hopes and dreams, waiting to come true. It is also time to throw all my misery into my history book (or rather, a biography if I were to make one), and be strong to new inescapable challenges. And one day in this decade, I will find a place (hopefully in the USA) where I truly belong; no more being left out/excluded.

My 10 New Year Wishes and 10 New Year Resolutions are

1) To have a clear path to realise my dreams
2) To have a much better, more fulfilled life, as well as brighter days
3) To be a better person
4) To have a much more peaceful family atmosphere
5) To not let anything stop me from realising my dreams
6) To have true friends & strong friendships and to not be lonely anymore
7) To receive the positive results from practising The Law Of Attraction
8) To be more disciplined in doing what works and overcome temptations
9) To have more confidence in meeting new people, and facing new experiences
10) To be a much happier person from this decade onwards

1) I'll follow my heart to make the right decision on which path to go after O Levels, the best path to lead me to my dreams
2) I'll lead an active life, pursuing my interests in all areas, as well as fix my body shape
3) I'll make more friends, from a wide variety of backgrounds
4) I'll use The Law Of Attraction to help me transform my life to the way I want it
5) I'll do my best to reach my goals, and persevere to overcome setbacks
6) I'll adopt a desirable character that everyone, including me, wants me to have (till everyone stops using the word 'attitude' in my face)
7) I'll leave the past behind me and start anew with a new beginning.
8) I'll move on without letting family troubles hinder my progress
9) I'll be more assertive when making decisions, accepting requests and be firm with my standing up for myself.
10) I'll be open to new experiences and types of people, and resist from running away and hiding from unfamiliar things.

2010 marks a new beginning for me. "The past is gone, I must move on from here". To many people, 2010 is 'just another year gone by'. To me it's a new beginning of great things to come. Where will I be in the next decade, in 2020?

I'm still very confused with where I should go after the O Levels though. That's why making the right decision appears in my resolutions above. There is a 15% likeliness I'll end up in a Junior College, 40% in Polytechnic, 35% in the CAE-Broward program, and 10% in an American high school, doing the IB Diploma program. Only my O Level results will rule out any one of these choices, although, IF I happen to get 10 points (10 for 2010, for 10 years after the new millennium, and for 10 more years of good luck, get it?) and below for L1R5, I'll be totally lost. Anyway, there'll be Polytechnic Open Houses from the 7-9 January and on the 13 for JCs, so hopefully I get more inspiration when I go there...

I still haven't found any job yet, but after sending over 30 applications/resumes over the whole of December, I'm bound to find one, at least after the release of the O Level results. There's a chance FairPrice would hire me though.

My trip to Beijing was...so-so. I was thrilled with -10 degree Celcius weather (though my family was not, with the low humidity cracking everyone's skin), the modernity of Beijing (including all the pre- or post-Olympic infrastructures such as Terminal 3 and China World Trade Center Phase 3, as well as the civility of the people), but because of the cold, my family had to abort so many of the plans, missing out so many of Beijing's famous sights such as the Temple of Heaven, and cooping up in the new Singapore-brand Ascott Hotel (just above Raffles City Beijing @ Dongzhimen). That was the disappointing part. One thing I dislike about Beijing though, is there all TOO MANY TOUTS! Can't these people find better jobs rather than disturbing people? Another thing is that factory chimneys in the middle of the city. How are people going to breathe? And the smog? Why rely on the wind to clear it up? It's not going to go away forever. However, I'm still impressed with Beijing's efforts to improve itself and that's why I still liked Beijing. Hope it'll be much better when I return 10+ years later.

I went to the New Year Countdown Party at Marine Parade (SHINE 2010) and Marina Bay. The crowds at Marina Bay were horrendous, and the crowd control police were worse. But with a little determination, I found my way to the center of the action and videoclipped the whole fireworks display. The way out was just as bad. I was stuck in the hopeless crowd heading for City Hall Interchange, so I wriggled my way out into the McDonald shortcut and walked all the way to Dhoby Ghaut Interchange, stopping at Cheers for 2 drinks and enjoying the city's nightly and celebrity atmosphere along the way.

These are 2 songs that would do the 'commemorating' of the New Year/Decade:

1st, The Climb, to show that it's not always the destination that matters, it's the way to get there that also matters, and that inspired me to stick to the Polytechnic route

2nd, the reprise version of Where Do I Go From Here?, to show how confused I still am about my path

December update

2009-12-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

OK, I've not been blogging for an incredibly long time so now I will. For the past 3 weeks I've been searching for part-time jobs in all the usual places, but I ended up with the job of selling donation tickets in Tampines! I felt freaked out on the first day when people start 're-living the Scouts spirit' with cheering (my employer was a Scout and he probably misses his old days to pass it on to his company; no offense to Scouts though), and OMG I was reminded of MY old days not only in Scouts but in school camps as well (some of them horrid). I didn't manage to sell ANYTHING; my colleagues couldn't believe me and one accused me of slacking. I quit on the same day. Back to job search.

Went to Kuala Lumpur and Melaka in the past 3 weeks. So I did not get to stay for 1-2 weeks in Shui Yee's house after all (I totally expected it and initially wasn't happy, but my parents relented to let me stay for at least 1 night). Thursday night, we stayed at Boulevard Hotel (again). This time our room is on a higher floor. The view of Menara and KLCC was so beautiful! And I slept with all the lights off because I wanted to sleep with the 'awe-inspiring' city lights. On Saturday, I worked at their coffeeshop doing basic stuff with Shui Yee, Chee How, their sister (forgot her actual name again! But we call her Meimei), and their cousin Meosen. I considered it good working experience, but my parents insist it's not even beginner level, as my 'employers' are my relatives who naturally wouldn't want to upset me. The previous night, they brought us to this very pleasant garden-themed restaurant in 1 Utama, and because I was so 'inspired', I bought the green-coloured Watercress Soup, which looked and tasted yucky at first, but soon I got over it and enjoyed it. After the dinner, I went to the arcade located above the mall, but after playing a few games I was overcome with the feeling of missing Auntie Russel and Siravit again. After all Siravit was about to leave the next day. On the morning of the last day I was annoyed that not only I couldn't stay longer, but I had to leave early! I resented for a while but felt neutral after that. 'Cos I've got my desire to see Kuala Lumpur covered, after so long. The trip to Melaka (11-13 Dec) was organised by my father's company, so we sat on the bus with all other employees and their families. We walked to the Melaka River area on the 2nd day, but the rest was all mall-hopping, and we ate Peranakan food in our buffet dinner night at Holiday Inn.

I was pissed off when I posted on STOMP talkback my suggestions of polytechnic being a better route for those wanting to go to the USA to study, that those people start attacking my post with insults, sarcasm and discouragement, thinking that I wanted to go to the Ivy League from Polytechnic even though I might not even qualify for the National University of Singapore. I was not only furious about thier misunderstanding of my post, my intentions of writing the post, my tone in the post and the admissions systems (plus changing trends), but also these doom-monger(s) (people who only know how to say "Aiyoh, you cannot make it one lah") are so moronic that you'd feel like punching him. I never knew that these group of people exist in Singapore (again, must be those Ugly Singaporeans who are so enthusiastic in things like National Service, politics, being Singaporean & patriotic, being snobbish with intelligence, who downplays everyone else who has different attitudes than they themselves). Some of their posts really hurt, and it kept bothering me and my self-esteem when I was in Melaka. In another thread though, someone replied that, "It's the people who will create your experience, not the place" when arguing that I cannot always be sure that USA is the best place for my university education. He's right about that statement. The group of people in Singapore (the one I described above) plus the constant inner feeling of loneliness is chasing me out of Singapore in the first place. USA is one of the major chances I'm taking to turn this around. So I thought it over, aside from Junior College and Polytechnic next year, one of the routes I can take is the Center of American Education-Broward College route (as described in my previous blog, doing the university core curriculum in Singapore when I do National Service, and transfer my credits over when I'm ready).

However, this route is still uncertain as it's off the beaten path (though a more assuring one due to accreditation, licensure and endorsement). Going on this shortcut means the only certificate I have to present to the university after National Service is the O Levels, and there's uncertainty whether I'd do well or not. Plus how am I going to fill in the extra-curricular section of the Common Application form? Since I wouldn't get my chance to improve my extra-curricular performance as I won't be going to either JC or Poly, the only thing I can fill in is my miserable CCA results from secondary school. How am I going to get into the more prestigious ones like that? The CAE claims one (or more) of its students made it to Columbia University (my dream college) after the program, but what is this student(s) like in his/her/their transcripts? Furthermore, I've only 2 years to save up (but to pay for only 2+ years of undergraduate college, as compared to the traditional 4 years), and as for the National Service requirement? I'm not ready. But this is the path of more guaranteed hope. This is the fastest way to the USA. The 60 credits I do in Singapore can save up to 2 years worth of college fees (hundreds of thousands of dollars). I have 2 years more to consider whether Architecture is really right for me (and if not, I have more majors to choose from once in USA, as compared to the courses in Poly, although JC gives you 4 years), and people there all have the same vision and goal, to get into an American college, meaning there's a higher chance of me fitting in there than in JC/Poly. Furthermore, I'm highly likely to join the Police Force in National Service, which I really want, and the only thing I'd look forward to in National Service (plus self-defense skills are useful in preventing being victimised from crime in the USA). Anyway I don't mind moving on to places like the University of Oregon, or North Carolina State University, as long as I fit in there and it fits in most of my needs & wants (because I only need the degree to be recognised by a good American graduate school; that's where prestige becomes more important).

There's another route though. I could go to National Service first, then enrol into an American high school (most likely, Sasha's and Misha's high school, Lawrence North in Indianapolis) for 1-2 years, before heading off to college. Even higher chances into American colleges like that, with a hand at American curriculum and extra-curriculars. But the problem is my O Levels essentially allows me to be accepted into college already (they'll ask, 'for what?'), and costs will be even higher (imagine 2+4 years of paying exorbitant prices). So this route is still under 'investigation'.

Plans for this week onwards? Gathering with Benjamin, Kian Leong and Randal with full of content to chit-chat about,and next Tuesday is my flight to Beijing (Singapore Airlines and cold climate once again!). I've always wanted to go to Beijing because I was impressed with its pre-Olympic development, but only now when interest is gradually fading then this trip was announced. LOL. The 2 weeks when O Level results are released will be the busy week of not only collecting results, but visiting schools during open houses and 'serious route consideration'. Then I will start planning my next few months again. Where I go (JC, Poly, NS+CAE, or NS+AHS) is uncertain; it depends on my results and my soul searching. The song below is a rather optimistic Japanese song, called Kanashimi Ni Makenaide/悲しみに負けないで by Mikuni Shimokawa:

Lyrics:
一人きり泣きそうになる　
夜なんで幾つもある
終わりのない旅の途中
誰だって夢見ている

いつも何かを信じて
そして何かを失って
君を抱きしめた
流した涙の数は
優しさに変わって行く　　
きっと

悲しみに負けないで
まっすぐに明日を見ていて
一人じゃない　誰もみんな
叶える願がある

明日の風はきっと
優しい香りをつれて来る
約束だよ　どんな時も
きっと君の側にいる

言葉では言えないほど
募ってく思いがある
木枯らしに抱かれる夜は　
切なさも強さにして

出会いはいつも突然
響く鐘の音のように
やって来る

君が手にした全てが
明日へ繋がればいい　
だから

悲しみにさようなら
瞳閉じてそして笑って
忘れられない　思い出たち
少しずつ抱きしめて

たとえ遠く離れても
いつも君だけに祈るから
君が歩く道の上に
花が咲きますように

星空を見上げながら
見果てぬ夢追い掛けて
いつか風になる
もっと自由に

悲しみに負けないで
まっすぐに明日を見ていて
一人じゃない　誰もみんな
叶える願がある

逢いたいと思うから
いつでも声が聞きたいから
過ぎ去って行く季節に今
ありがとうと言えるよ

Romanji:
Hitorikiri nakisou ni naru
Yoru nante ikutsu mo aru
Owari no nai tabi no tochuu
Dare datte yume miteiru

Itsumo nanika wo shinjite
Soshite nanika wo ushinatte
Kimi wo dakishimeta
Nagashita namida no kazu wa
Yasashisa ni kawatte yuku
Kitto

Kanashimi ni makenaide
Massugu ni ashita wo miteite
Hitori ja nai dare mo minna
Kanaeru negai ga aru

Ashita no kaze wa kitto
Yasashii kaori wo tsurete kuru
Yakusoku da yo donna toki mo
Kitto kimi no soba ni iru

Kotoba de wa ienai hodo
Tsumotteku omoi ga aru
Kogarashi ni dakareru yoru wa
Setsunasa mo tsuyosa ni shite

Deai wa itsumo totsuzen
Hibiku kane no ne no you ni
Yatte kuru

Kimi ga te ni shita subete ga
Ashita e tsunagareba ii
Dakara

Kanashimi ni sayounara
Hitomi tojite soshite waratte
Wasurerarenai omoide-tachi
Sukoshi zutsu dakishimete

Tatoe tooku hanarete mo
Itsumo kimi dake ni inoru kara
Kimi ga aruku michi no ue ni
Hana ga sakimasu you ni

Hoshizora wo miagenagara
Mihatenu yume oikakete
Itsuka kaze ni naru
Motto jiyuu ni

Kanashimi ni makenaide
Massugu ni ashita wo miteite
Hitori ja nai daremo minna
Kanaeru negai ga aru

Aitai to omou kara
Itsudemo koe ga kikitai kara
Sugisatte yuku kisetsu ni ima
Arigatou to ieru yo

Translation:
There are many nights when i feel like crying alone
On this endless journey, everyone is dreaming

Having faith in something, then losing something in return
I embraced you
But my tears will soon turn into gentleness
Surely

Dont lose to sorrow, look towards the tomorrow straight ahead
You're not alone, everyone has dreams to make true
Tomorrow's wind will surely bring along a gentle scent
I promise that i will always be by your side

There are so many things i want to tell you
When I am blown by cold wind i will turn sadness into strength

We always meet so suddenly, like an echo of a bell
It'd be great if everything you grabbed in your hand is connected to tomorrow
That's why

Say good-bye to sorrow, close your eyes and laugh
Embrace the unforgettable wishes little by little
Even if we are separated far away, I will always pray for you
That flowers will bloom on the road you walk on

Looking up at the starry sky, I'll chase the never-ending dream
Then someday I will become the wind, and become more free...

Dont lose to sorrow, look towards the tomorrow straight ahead
You're not alone, everyone has dreams to make true
Tomorrow's wind will surely bring along a gentle scent
I promise that i will always be by your side

Because I want to stay by your side, listen to your voice whenever i want
I can say thank you to the seasons that pass by

The end of secondary school: O Levels, Dinner & Dance, the December break, and the future

2009-11-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

Dinner & Dance 2009 (Prom & after)
I really don't feel like typing but I have to otherwise my brain will constantly bog me to stop bottling it up (even though I released some of it in yesterday's counselling session). Prom was fun and was really something to remember. At first I was a little embarrased wearing & carrying 'business style dress code' on my way to L'Hotel Rendezvous via MRT. Then I entered the lobby and found myself a little under-dressed, so I quickly put on my jacket. I found Adryan in Texas 'formal cowboy' style 'tuxedo', and Glen in some 'latest fashion' Winter Season New York that you'll typically find in Saks Fifth Avenue boutiques (did he get a discount for being the first few customers to make those boutiques profitable from winter season sales or did he get slapped with a 8.375% New York State tax plus 7% American GST? LOL). Then Yiliang came up to me wearing the Black Tie Affair dress code you'd see in Las Vegas. And I have to be honest, he looks damn good in it. It seems like he (or his body) was born to dress up. Also met Randal and Timothy outside the ballroom, both without second layers (are they thinking that the ballroom is a pub? just joking). In the ballroom where the 5 star Chinese cuisine is served onto Table 14 where I sat next to the rather quiet Adeline (who's apparently here because of the price tag of $65 and not wanting to be here because of the fight with Dawn on the 2nd last day of school) and near Marcus (I was like 'He's here!? Why the hell did he sign up for Prom and dress up as if he's going to a beach party in Miami?). At Table 10 there was Siravit wearing double layers fit for nightlife in Thanon Sukhumwit. The girls dressed up and put make up as if they are going to an important fashion business conference in Paris. Among the girls was Wen Jun, who I'll see for the last time (she's leaving for Canada for a 5-11 month University Transfer/Immersion/Foundation Program before officially becoming a Freshman at a Canadian university). Among the alumni who organised the Prom was Edmond (surprised!) and I should have asked for a picture with him while he takes our photos inside & outside the ballroom. The Dance part of the Prom was wild (Picture a New Year's Eve in Bondi Beach of Sydney)! Tried to join in, but can't dance, and was a little too embarrasing just shaking your body. I dedicated a message, which goes:"To (my classmates in) 4F and my friends outside 4F, you have made my social circle come to life. Hope you'll realize your (wildest) dreams and see you again later in life." I could have added more, but anyway no one seems to be listening, so there's no point. Then there was after-prom, went to take the group photos, and then the 'controversial' (to me) after-prom 'program' organised by around 10 of my classmates begins. It was totally unexpected. At first they told me that they would just be watching a late-night movie at Plaza Singapura. They bought 2.30am tickets (!!!) and went back down to 7-Eleven. And guess what they brought out of 7-Eleven? A_ _ _ _ _ l and C_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ s, using Siravit to meet the age limit. It's not like I've never heard of them using them before, but just look at them. I know it's common of teenagers trying these things, and it's even more common in the USA, but, I have to be very blunt, when that 'all-innocent' Dawn finished a whole bottle of soda-like beer till she became drunk, when another 'innocent' Si Wei was almost lying on the floor taking in huge quantities, and when Yiliang looked like he's drinking against his will, it really gave the impression that they were in an extremely sorry state. Even with Siravit & Taufiq (another surprise!) s_ _ _ _ _g doesn't look as pathetic. Already that has got me thinking, I've been wanting to be included for so long, and I thought I am getting there, yet this has...disappointed me a little. The counsellor at Shan You and the Facebook quiz is right (3rd time mentioning), I felt excluded all along because I put them at the top tier of my social circle, yet the truth is that they are good friends, but sorry to say, they are simply not my type. Went to the billiard room at the former Le Meridian Hotel, felt too unconscious to play pool with them, Dawn fainted onto a couch, I looked out of the window, watching cars go by, swearing this is the last time ever I'm doing this. At 2am, made a move to the cinema, and watched Love Happens, loved it a lot. Taking place in Seattle, it indirectly inspires me even more to go to America, and helps me cope with my own losses. It's about (copied from Wikipedia) a widower's (Aaron Eckhart) book, A-Okay!, about coping with loss, turning him into a best-selling self-help guru. While conducting a bereavement seminar in Seattle, he falls for a woman (Jennifer Aniston) who is a florist providing flowers at the hotel. She helps him realize that he hasn't yet truly confronted his wife's death. After that, we went to the empty Kopitiam food court, and while discussing about the movie, I realized yet another difference between me and them, they don't like and don't understand the movie, while I felt the opposite, already indicating my fit in their clique. 'Lounged' around till around 5.30am, and made our way to the MRT station, only to find out that the station but not the trains have started operations. So Yiliang was the 1st to make a move via taxi (for any underlying but not obvious reason?) Siravit & Taufiq went back to the surface and pulled out c_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ s to s_ _ _ _, offering me one. I was extremely skeptical, should I accept? I felt my brain was in confusion. In the end, I declined one but shared with them a few times. How I felt was...neither good or bad. In fact I was confused with how I should feel. It's indescribable. Anyway, after that, we took a taxi back to Serangoon and I spent the last 15 minutes with them at McDonald's before going home. That last 15 minutes was also the last time I saw Siravit in person (he's going back to Bangkok for good to study at Mahidol University [ranked #220 by Times-QS Top University Rankings in 2009; not bad]), as I couldn't be at the airport to see him off this Saturday. You know, for Siravit being one of the most popular/significant student in my school, for his friendly, funny, witty, positive, playful, (but still) mature, educated personality, for all the good times both of us had together (as well as accepting me unconditionally as a friend), for our similarities and for everything he did, it's not possible to not miss him and remember him as someone significant in your secondary school years. Yet he may not feel the same way about me. And that night's 'horror' makes it easier for me to separate with the ~10 of them for life, although for Siravit's case, maybe a little more. And what about Yiliang whom I suspect (SUSPECT only; don't think too much) may be in the same boat as me? It can only be done reciprocally with him starting 1st. As for me & the future of my social circle, I really hope to find my fit, find where I truly belong to, and find my community. And that is yet another reason to inspire me to go to the USA.

Plans for this November/December
This Thursday, after 8 months of waiting (never waited so long before), I'm going back to Kuala Lumpur for 4 days (I seriously hope I can stay longer). Hope to talk about life with my cousins/relatives, help out a little at Shui Yee's mother's new restaurant, do the things/go to places I've always wanted to do/go in Kuala Lumpur (including living the life Shui Yee's been living), and most of all, get a respite from everything in Singapore (not to say I hate life in Singapore totally; don't think so much, I just want a break). And then later in December I'll go to my father company-organised trip in Melaka. The final one, experiencing -10 degree Celcius or colder for the first time, will be in Beijing (finally a trip on Singapore Airlines again! hopefully the plane used will be a B777-300ER), taking advantage of the pre-/post-Olympic developments such as the new subway lines, and the gigantic Terminal 3, among others. Hope Lonely Planet publishes a new edition of Beijing by then.

O Levels performance & release of results
I guess you've been for me to talk about it, so here is how I fared. How well I did on my English paper will determine my eligibility to go straight into an American university, which I partially screwed up, so I just hope for at least a B4. My performance in Social Studies will pull down my Combined Humanities, even if my answers in Geography are valid explanations & examples. My Science is unpredictable, though the Chemistry Paper 3 was easy and Physics Paper 2 was manageable. Elementary Mathematics could've been more lenient in the timings to let me have a chance to score full marks. Additional Mathematics had every question answered, though the scribbles don't guarantee much. And whether I pass it or not will seriously affect my choices in subject combinations if I'd go to Junior College next year. Design & Technology Theory Paper was a chance to over-elaborate, hopefully qualifying me with more marks. All-in-all, the O Levels were filled with unexpected questions, but was as manageable as the 'expected' questions.

Future in Singapore Polytechnic and American universities
Because of the controversy over examinations (that determines your future) such as the O Levels and A Levels, as well as the outlook of my performance in it, I would most likely end up in Singapore Polytechnic. I will no longer be persistent in choosing Junior Colleges, as after all, a lousy junior college will not guarantee me even more admission into a prestigious American university. And I'm tired of too much exam preparation culture. Also increasingly Singapore Polytechnic is getting more recognised by American universities. So I've decided that would be my most likely destination. In fact, I already have plans in mind. Other than pursuing my childhood dream of becoming an architect by joining the Diploma of Architecture, I will take the SAT Reasoning Test in January or June next year, and the SAT Subject Tests in November 2010 or 2011. I hope to qualify for Diploma Plus Certificate Course in Business. I'll study Korean, French, Spanish, or improve my Mandarin. I'll take up to 4 CCAs such as Changi Youth Ambassadors, Student Exchange Club, Adventurers, Buddhist Society, Assistant Courses & Careers Guidance Officers, Student Golf and start a new business following the guide Secrets Of Millionaire Students (and maybe incorporating this with a membership in SP's Student Entrepreneurial Club). I'll study the mandatory General Elective Modules in Backpacking, Appreciating Cross Cultural Differences, and Understanding the Secret in Life in each of the 3 clusters. Lastly I'll take 3 Advanced Placement (AP) exams or study college courses at the Centre of American Education in 2012. See, it's definitely more exciting than taking yet another exam in Junior College. And the A Levels used to have a higher guarantee; since I don't think I'll qualify for a good junior college, since I hate mugging for exams and I don't think I'd do much more fantastic than anybody else (American universities want to see your ranking in your cohort), I'd probably do better in Singapore Polytechnic. All of what I'm going to take in Singapore Polytechnic will be better resume-fillers than the A Levels with just a scattering of CCAs (even though I won't take them just to fill my college applications!).

I went to the Center of American Education/United States Educational Information Center yesterday. I was initially dismayed of the dilapilated facade of Bestway Building it was housed in. I went into the office, and found so many brochures of universities I wanted to go to! I went into their library, and found partially outdated catalogues of universities. Later, I talked to an officer, who introduced me to the 2 year Broward College program that can be taken in Singapore. They only required 4 O Level passes (indicated 'Cambridge') and has a decent reputation for transferring students to the 2nd or even 3rd year in prestigious universities. But in the end due to monetary (Citibank's and POSB's Education Loan is unable to rescue my mother's bank account for the moment) and obligatory issues (National Service, remember? Grrr...), I decided that if I were to come here, I will only attend on my final year of Polytechnic and during my National Service years. I think I can use their courses to prepare me for the AP Exams, can it?

Closing down of my other language blogs and starting of 2 new interest-based blogs
I figured out that it's better for non-English speaking readers to use online translation tools and not depend on me translating for them. At the same time, I will start a blog based on Travel & Living, and another based on the American College Admissions process for international students like me. And I will link the latter to a Facebook group of the same name. Keep a lookout.

This is a song from Pocahontas 2 (albeit a little childish but still meaningful and relevant to our situation) called Where Do I Go From Here?

The story of how I come to be today (New)

2009-10-23T01:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went for my O Level Science Practical Paper 5 Exam. I was nearly frightened to death at times, when there was misinterpretation of instructions in the Physics section and there was no precipitate formed when it was supposed to in the Chemistry section, but the rest is still...fine. I can only hope for the best results...and hopefully I'll perform much better in next week's O Level written exams.

After the exam, I was hungry, and as pathetic (or what other words can I use?) as it may sound, I wanted to join my classmates (or anybody) for lunch, but as I expected I was not asked out, even though I was right in front of them. So I followed them far behind to the food court, and act as if I'm eating on my own coincidentally in the same place as them. When I was ordering food, Alvin saw me & invited me to sit with them, so I agreed, albeit doubtfully (it's true!). Because they were rather neutral & quiet when I sat down with them, I felt like I wasn't comfortable to intrude their meal. We didn't talk much at all, and I was quiet definitely not because I don't like talking to them, but because I was figuring out the right words and the right time to talk (this apples to all other times when I seem quiet). But I didn't even have a chance to talk, as a while later they got up from their seats and left me eating in a lurch. Only Siravit & Alvin was nice enough to say bye to me. Still I was feeling upset already (definitely not because I find it rude, but because I'm actually forgotten). When I walked to the bus stop I strapped my headphones over my head and boarded the same bus as they were boarding. When I alighted at Serangoon Gardens (also where they were alighting), I quickly ran away in the opposite direction of where they were going to the video rental shop, 'crying' without tears. 'Sigh'.

You know something? This is the result of the past. My history and our history as classmates. I have to reveal this since I'm seriously getting very upset with the way my classmates are treating me. I know (or realized long ago), they are not bad people at all, but still, because of their misunderstanding of me, they are now too formal & polite to me, and do not treat me like one of them. Even some of the teachers in the school are like that. Was there a rumour spreading around in school about me? I'm sick & tired of them giving me 'falsified' acceptance, and at other times giving me the silent treatment while facing their backs towards me. I'm not their boss, a 'little emperor', a 'model'/obedient/'over-mature' kid, or arrogant of my supposedly upscale background. This year particularly, I've tried my best to accept them, be part of them, create friendships with them, etc, despite having trouble with my confidence & courage to show the real me. It's just too bad they don't see my motives, as I yearn for their acceptance. It seems like everytime I include myself in their clique (in school or outside), I'm being overly-inclusive, or when I invite them to my birthday party & barbeque, I'm trying to show off my surface life or my stuff. There is progress in my friendship but they might be distancing themselves away from me because I whine too much and saw my pessimistic comments on Facebook. Why do I look like I'm anti-social? Why are they scared of me? Is my face/body language saying something else? I learnt from Jay McGraw's Life Strategies For Teens, in the 'We Teach People How To Treat Us' chapter, that if I treat myself with misery & negativity, they will do the same to me. Could this be a reason? Or since they clearly don't understand me at all, they simply don't know how to treat me, so they don't approach me at all or be formal while only talking to me the essential things? Maybe they are scared of me because when we first started out in Sec 3, I created a scene in the Sec 3 Camp & excluded myself from the program (as a retribution to the organisers who forced me into the camp), plus I threw tantrums not once but a few times in Math class where she over scolds to the point I couldn't take it, when I fell into depression in April 2008, when I had issues with coming to school (including questioning authorities about every single thing), when I skipped lessons, when I often excused myself to go to the school counsellor, when I had CCA problems, when I portrayed (intentionally or not) a sulking/emotional face, when I severed ties and ridiculed with Wilson and Marcus (what was everyone thinking when I did that?), when I was mentally disturbed by Darryl & Thaddeus, etc. I admit I didn't have a good impression of my classmates at the start as well and was a little suspicious of them(not because of arrogance), but I soon realise they are not bad people either. Do I look like I'm centering my world in theirs? Do I look like I'm ranking my social position above them? They seriously don't understand my life & past; just because I have a big house, my parents can afford a chalet in the middle of July, and my family look peaceful, they think I live in a perfect background, so they think I'm after all arrogant. REALITY CHECK: It's my painful growing up years in a conflicting environment of ideas among family members, plus my troubled history that have created me for what I am today. I was 'reportedly' a troublesome baby, I was probably crying 300 times a year in my toddler age, in Primary 1 I was tamed by an understanding form teacher, in the rest of my Primary school years I was still trying to fight off unnecessary tears both at home & in school, finding my real friends (which I fortunately had), challenging the arrogance of girl gangs & the better classes, resisting the cane my father was still using as an easy but unreasonable way out, being violent to my siblings, unsuccessfully attempted my first suicide in Primary 3, went to a psychiatrist who told my mother, "there's something wrong with him which we're unable to decipher but he'll outgrow it as he grows up", in Sec 1 & 2 tried to fight off harassing by a few classmates (and was upset not because I'm bullied, but because of my inability to respond properly), and more. And these 2 years I had problems at home that included fights with my father over the computer, the room, the handphone, his unreasonability, etc. In fact, if not for my high IQ (not boasting!) I would have Down's syndrome, Autism, or any other mental illness/disorder (although Personality Disorders are possible regardless of IQ). You may tell me at this point, "don't think so much", "don't get upset over little things", " don't exaggerate/percieve/be paranoid/sensitive", but the thing is I've experienced too much of it to not get upset about it, and if I don't vomit out my thoughts, it'll seriously plague my O Levels next week. Back to my classmates, I'm tired of trying, because no matter what, both parties know I don't fit in, so I give up. There's simply no point of going on trying to include myself. And whenever I feel extremely lonely in class, I'd remember a theory given to me by a Facebook quiz result which seems to make sense,"You have good friends, but they're not your type." So from now on, whenever they don't want me in, I encourage them to clearly request me to not include myself, and not feel guilty about upsetting me. But I still acknowledge that at least a few of them are not like that; for that I'm really grateful for your willingness. As for the rest, I have decided if they like it better this way, I'll close my friendship with them, till we meet again later in life. NOTE: I'm not writing this out of self pity, it's how I really feel about this situation.

Due to my 'traumatic' past, I was comparing my school life with my American cousin's school life, and complained that I was not in the USA to get a chance to enjoy a much more enjoyable high school life. Since evidence & relatives warn me against having the principle that the grass is always greener on the other side of the globe, I thought about entering the USA at another life phase, so I explored the university option. Since I was extremely impressed by the 'paradise' of university life, my dream was born. There are too many reasons why I want to go there, but the core ones are to leave all traces of my horrid past behind, start a new life, totally change my social life forever, be able to access to all the opportunities & availability not known in Singapore, show everyone I know that I'm not 'over' or 'gone case' yet, just because of my errors/problems in my past & present, as well as to avoid going to re-service; doing so is going against my morales. But way before I was thinking about America, when I was in Primary 3, I was already impressed with Toronto for its high standard of living, good quality of life, proximity to the USA, 4 seasons, multiculturalism, peace, crime free records, etc., and I had an ambition to go there to live one day. This idea still lives till today, but now that I'm more impressed with USA, plus doing a reality check on the liveabiltity of USA, I'm convinced to go to USA first before retreating to Toronto permanantly. I know some people think I'm blind to the reality of the USA, i.e. the guns, racism/second class citizen treatment, local problems, etc., but I know these problems. It's because I understand the real America that I still want to go there. I have been using the thought of America to combat my loneliness, sadness, depression, hopelessness, to cheer myself up, but I know that sometimes I get overly paranoid with this desire. That's why I sometimes appear to use USA as an escape route from my difficulties in Singapore. And I'm not the only one. Yesterday in the waiting area after the Paper 5 exam, I discovered Benjamin also have dreams to go to the USA (mainly because of basketball). He even told me he wished he was born there so that he had a chance to be taller for basketball, and he looks forward to his trip to California this November, just like mine in December 2007. And oh yes, my 2007 California vacation also made me fall in love with the USA, especially on our first night in San Francisco's nightly atmosphere, the road trips, and friendly locals (particularly the Chinese). I just love it! Imagine everytime I take leave from school/work in the future I can do this. The country is simply too attractive to trun any offer/opportunity down. But of course, if I'm one day tired of the wilder culture of America, I can always move up north to Toronto, where my 'praises' of Canada is another story altogether. The point here is I'm not going to America because I want people to appreciate/miss/treasure me more (at least not now), or because I hate Singapore or National Service for causing me problems & worries (I do not have any grudges), but it's seriously time for me/my turn to find my place in the world, where I truly belong.

Auntie Russel left permanently today at 6.30 am on Jetstar Airways flight 3K651 bound for Manila's Ninoy Aquino International Airport. This marks the end of her career as a maid. And everyone's going to miss her, because she's no ordinary maid (care to add her on Friendster and Facebook? or perhaps invite her to play a guitar in your next concert?). She saw me grow up for the past 8 years (essentially half of my life) and now she has returned, my chest feels very heavy. I couldn't do much the whole day, because things are never going to be the same again. And something worth mentioning: After saying goodbye to so many people so many times for the past 2 years, I really cannot take it anymore. I cannot continue to be 'heartbroken' for the rest of my life. I want to join all these people whom I've said goodbye to for the past 2 years in their travels or lives around the world. It'll feel a lot different if you are the one travelling and not the one who's stuck in 1 country and saying goodbyes all the time. And that would be another reason why I want to leave Singapore as soon as my turn comes to borad with a one-way ticket.

For now, let's play a song as a 'tribute' to her 8 years in Singapore, as well as a song to 'remorse' the status of my friendships with my classmates:

Translation:
IF I COULD ONLY GO BACK

Oh how I've wasted the precious moments we once had.
You were already in my life, why did I look for someone else
And now I realize that you're the one I'm longing for
I regret all my actions (of ever doubting you)

Why are regrets always at the end
What has already passed can never be recaptured
What a waste, why did I doubt for even a moment?
And now here I am, crying from regret.

Chorus:
If I could only go back
To the love you once had (for me)
I would nurture and care for it.
If I could only go back
To the way our world used to be
The only thing I'd ever want is to be with you always

What a waste, why did I doubt for even a moment.
And now here I am, crying from regret.

(repeat chorus)

Coda:
If I could only go back
To the way our world used to be,
The only thing I'll ever want is to be with you

TEN days to O Levels...not looking good...at all.

2009-10-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

Daunting piles of assignments (yet not giving me a guarantee that I'll be prepared), long to-do list, each assignment taking longer than expected, unpredictable & unfavourable weather, rising & falling motivation and energy levels, tutors & teachers that no longer gave me assurance of doing well, Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, time constraints, caffeine & supplements not working much, attention span very short, and so far at most 40% of work is completed. I'm tired. I'm at a loss. I occasionally feel so nauseous. I don't know what to do. O Levels are 10 days away, and yet I'm still not prepared. There's no guarantee at all to where I may go after O Levels. I'm so sick of taking examinations that totally determines my life-and-death of my future opportunities. I hate the way Singapore's education system centres itself around major examinations, the way that the government rewards the elites for being elite and have forgotten about us, and the way that in terms of qualifications the major examinations are being relied on too heavily for admission into anywhere. An inherited British-patterned education that spares little thought for students. Because of this, I wanted to take the International Baccalaureate Program after this hurdle, because it has better international university entrance recognition than the A Levels, but without that big fateful examination at the end, more subjects to choose from, and much better paced than the A Levels, but again, the government makes it difficult by only setting up 1 IB World School in a local elite school, so you 1) pay with an O Level cut-off-point of 5, plus grueling hours and facing the snobbish attitude of ACS (Independent), 2) pay up literally tens of thousands of dollars to international schools offering the program (where the money could be used to pay for university instead), not forgetting you need government's permission and more relaxed hours are not guaranteed, or 3) forget about it. Why are there so limited opportunities in Singapore? Even Malaysian students have a choice of taking UEC if not wanting to take the STPM, and entrance to an international school is much easier. Why does the Singapore government have so much confidence in its local education system (just because some bright kids from elite schools are stronger in Maths & Science than the Americans) that alternatives are almost impossible? What about the rest of us? Just throw us in Polytechnics and lousy Junior Colleges? Can we stop creating a culture here? If I have a child in the future, I'm definitely not putting him/her through Singapore schooling & National Service (if my child is male). And I'll make sure he/she'd be born in North America to do that.

I've been strucked by unluckiness lately. On Wednesday, I went to school, but when I reached, I realised some of my things are at home. So I had to go home and take it and go back to school, wasting over 1 hour to do so (and make my teacher wait for 1 hour), because transportation is taking their own sweet time (buses) or charging too much (taxis). I was so pissed off. What did I do to deserve making double trips? Why should my forgetfulness take over me? Why can't my life be any easier? Why can't Auntie Russel be more sympathetic and help me with at least a part of the double trips? And yet again today I reached Toa Payoh only to realise I don't have money. Why is destiny/fate making me suffer? Is it yearning to control my life and future by taking over my responding emotions? This 'series of unfortunate events' is driving me to my grave very early, especially if there's more to come. Why do I have this kind of 'This Is Life' kind of unluckiness? Where has the world come to? I'm seriously going crazy.

I have discovered earlier this week the reasons behind my thinking, behaviour & problems. Everything boils down to 3 inner sources: Yearning for attention, teenage raging hormones and paranoia. So these 3 are responsible for me being critical towards the education system & National Service policies, posting pessimistic comments everywhere on the web (especially Facebook), my dreams of leaving Singapore for good, feeling lonely in class, relationships with family, etc. More detail after my O Levels.

Well...I guess it's really goodbye to life in Peicai

2009-10-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

This morning, I dragged myself heavily out of bed as usual, but for the last time ever coming out of my room, wearing the brown uniform, to face a supposedly normal school day. But it's not just any normal school day. It's officially the last day ever in Peicai Secondary School. And that is also our last look at our classroom, which we considered earlier as dingy as the rest of the 40 year-old building. Class was in somber mood today, as we all know that was the last time in our whole lives that we are going to sit in that classroom as 4F. Emotions ran high when the 'foreigners' were asked to discuss their future plans (which, sadly, Siravit, Wen Jun and maybe some others are returning home or leaving for another country for university education and for good), when Mdm Yusma delivered her somber speech both in class and during the graduation ceremony, when I recieved my report card and comparing with others, realizing how tough it's going to be to reach my L1R5 goal, when the slide show gave us heartwarming goodbye messages from teachers, when my class refused to leave the class and school early to take more group photos, and when my class can't help but made a stopover at a dessert cafe in Serangoon Gardens. Looking back, I'd realized they are/were the best classmates I ever had, despite all their conservative treatment towards me (and that is simply no point talking about now). Though I am not a best friend of any of them, nor am I sometimes included in their cliques, they still as a whole are better friends than my previous classmates (whether too cautiously or not I don't really know). We share memories in each other's invitations to gatherings/class outings/birthday (or rather, my birthday, because I'm not informed of anybody else's birthday), each other's jokes and fun, and everything else that makes our secondary school experience unique. Sure, many times I wasn't included as part of this fun, many times I felt outcast-ed, many times I even felt hostility, and most of the time I felt that the class was faking their behavior on me because of their flawed impressions of me from a troubled me in 2008 and some occasions in 2009 (yet I do not know how to prove my worth as part of this class), but we share one thing common today: these 2 years felt like an illusion that...is all gone now. But hopefully, we'll meet again later in life (especially Siravit), and one day probably in a decade's time I'll invite my now-former classmates to find me in the USA and/or Canada (as a few individuals or as a group gathering), and I'll treat them to a great time there (also realise why North America is still as beautiful as ever, and why I choose to relocate there)

So now we have 'O' Levels to face in 3 weeks. I'm going to work literally my ass off in these final days of chances, according to my Rescue Plan. I'm not going to let the setback in Prelims from shattering my dreams into pieces that their sharp edges hurt. Tomorrow's 4F meeting will mostly depend on whether they want me to come along, otherwise, I won't think of them until Dinner & Dance/Prom night on 14th November. And I will definitely look forward to my (about) 2 weeks in Kuala Lumpur (considered as my 2nd home in case you still don't know) with my cousins, some mental rest. and everything else in my Post O Level Activity List. But I will also dread Auntie Russel's permanent departure on 24th October; too many people leaving, I can't stand it.

Here's a song dedicated to the atmosphere of our class' separation (translations included in video):

PANIC at the release of my Preliminary Exam results

2009-09-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

I cannot bear to admit my results, but here they are:
English: estimated B/C (I don't know my Oral results)
Elementary Maths: C5
Additional Maths: F9
Combined Science: C6
Combined Humanities: C5
Design & Technology: B3
So my L1R5 is 31 and above (ELR2B2: 22 and above). Other than unattractive polytechnic courses (except Civil Aviation of Republic Polytechnic, the only diploma that my results are eligible for and I'm somewhat attracted to) and ITE, I'm left with nowhere promising to go to if these are the kind of results I get for O Levels. I'm only left 1 month to make a miracle. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!? I think I know why (but I'm not intending to point fingers here). Firstly, my looming Design & Technology coursework deadline in late August had made me take up at least 4 weeks away of my study time and energy that I put aside for other subjects to finish the project, which is a huge one. So when the deadline was over, I only had 1.5 weeks to study for Prelims. Secondly, in Term 3, other than (rather overdue) Plane Geometry lessons, my Maths teachers did not touch Additional Maths at all, only giving out past year exam papers like fliers. This created the impression that they think it's okay for the students to anyhow forgo the subject by doing the bare minimum and focus completely on Elementary Maths. Thirdly, too much 'trauma' occurred in Term 3 (I shall not explain it here; you know it too well). I think those are the reasons why I can't get out of status quo, and my marks remain stagnant, but I'm NOT going to let anything sabotage my preparations for O Levels anymore. I know I went paranoid over my performance with despair and hopelessness last night to the point of suicidal thoughts, but now, calmed down after a visit to Bright Hill Monastery, I'm confident I will break free from this trap. I'm going to work 3 times harder, 7 hours and at least 5 assignments (topical chapters or exam papers of various subjects) per day from now on. No kidding, even if my mental health deteriorates I'm not going to care (but of course I still need to maintain my motivation, wakefulness and alertness to maximise performance). I cannot fall prey to typicality anymore. There's much to catch up, and I believe that a miracle will happen, so I have not given up on the thought of St. Andrew's Junior College at 9 points (although, I'll be satisfied if I can get into any Junior College at all). Don't tell me that going to polytechnic will still stand a chance to get into a prestigious American university; I've emailed them. Most got confused or don't know what I'm talking about (not because my English is poor!), but as for those who recognise, they are not so willing to give advanced standings, furthermore, I don't think I'll fit into the polytechnic society very well.

I know that some people still don't get it. I've said many times that I'm leaving for USA or Canada NOT because I'm escaping the 'cruel' life in Singapore. True, I may have a miserable life, but sometimes I use the thoughts of leaving to curb depression and suicidal thoughts, and to give me some hope and motivation, not always because I believe that life is better overseas. That's why I'm still alive today. No matter what or where I am, the ultimate goal is to find my true happiness in this world. Nobody can tell me where I should be to be truly happy, and I'm leaving to search the world to find out. It's just like keeping a pet. For example, you adopt a stray cat from a village. Then you bring it back home to your apartment. You treat it like a king of the house. But does that guarantee true happiness for the cat? What if one day the pet discovers an opportunity to escape the house and runaway? Then what does that show you? Its true happiness is to be free and independent, not confined from the rest of the world, even though it's treated like a king, and although some cats would stay to be loyal with their owner, other cats like this would runaway. But it has no intention of being ungrateful for the good treatment. This is my exact position right now. I realise I can't find true happiness in Singapore if I don't get out there and find it. Also another reason why I hate National Service is they'd force-brainwash me to be loyal/patriotic to the country. Disloyal/unpatriotic does not equal to ungrateful. So it's crucial that you understand and respect my decision, although I won't force you if you choose to remain firm with your perception of me (in fact, I don't care if you are stubborn, just don't disturb me). Ask questions if you're still confused/curious/unnerved.

Read my older blog post and listen to my songs as well.

The past week

2009-09-18T01:27:00.000-07:00

Saturday, 12th September. I went to the StudyUSA college fair. I was initially disappointed that none of my favourite universities (my 'reach' and 'ballpark' schools) were there, and except for Indiana-Purdue University, I knew nothing about the other universities there. But I decided to take the opportunity to get to know about these 'unknown' colleges, and so far I'm considering to put some of the schools in my favourite colleges list.

On the night of the same day, a fight blew up between me and my father (again). My nap during dinner time triggered it. It all started when I, angry at how he tried to demoralised me with hurtful words when he woke me up from my nap, and determined to be more assertive to his ways for once, took away his Starhub smart card for cable TV, an item he cannot survive with (while he thinks I can survive without computer). Then when he realised it was missing, I picked up some courage, held it in front of him, and threatened that if he come any nearer to me or don't change his ways I will damage the card or throw it out of the window. The moment was very tense. I complained I'm in this state because of him. Then when even more threats and hurtful words came out of his mouth, I bent the card in half, and held the card at the window. He slammed the door shut, and I screamed again that every bad trait I have was from him, including stubborness, as he used these bad traits on me when he raised me up. I started to leak tears. He finally shut up for a while. Then he spoke again, saying he really don't know what to do with me. He also tried to talk about all the problems, but knowing that nothing is going to change (especially about him and his ways, due to his stubborness and not acknowledging his errors), I said I preferred not to hear. When I finally came out, I went to where Aunty Russel was ironing clothes and burst into tears non-stop for almost an hour. I came out later and felt too lousy to do anything, so my mother asked me to go over and talk. She said there is some sort of inner conflict between the boys in the house and she just can't figure it out. She also said everytime she sees me in this state, she felt like a failure. She continued that she probably didn't do enough to ensure I grow up successful and happy (which I denied) and giving an example with Jia Yuan, she said she will now on support me whatever I do, my dreams are, and my desires/wishes are, instead of being critical like my father. That means she agreed to send me to Kuala Lumpur for over a week in November, sign me up for SATs, and in the long term, send me to USA to study via continuous preparation along the way. I felt much better after that.

Tuesday, 15th September. I came back from my first paper of Additional Maths, and I was panicking! I did badly for Paper 1, and this became urgent as firstly, I only have 6 subjects, all of them to be included in the L1R5 scoring system, unlike my other classmates, who have 7, so they can easily dispose 1 subject for O Levels if they are to go to Junior College, but I can't. I need all of them. I have been stuck at the F9 trap ever since I took up A Maths last year, even though I have continuously investing in assesment books and tuition, plus an average of 45% of study time spent on only A Maths. And at this time of the year, I should be more comfortable with the subject, but I wasn't. I don't want to point fingers again, but because of the looming D&T deadline at that time, I sacrificed all my study time and energy for the coursework, so when the project was done, I had only 2 weeks to Prelims! Also in Term 3, teachers seemed to do the bare minimum for the A Maths students, probably knowing that so many are going to fail anyway, and these people are probably going to polytechnics anyway (which means they can skip 2/7 subjects), so they don't really bother to give intensive revision, just giving out past year exam papers like flyers. Then what about me? Or the rest of the people who have only 6 subjects and wants to go to Junior Colleges, even prestigious ones? It also seems those who are passing are the ones having some form of good maths tuition, or naturally have a flair in Maths. And not all having tuition are passing either (like me). So all that panicking, rushing, and energy drain before and during Prelims, and that's probably how I screwed up some of my papers, including A Maths. I had an insecurity over my place in any JC (let alone St Andrew's Junior College), because my Prelims performance reflected my preparedness for O Levels. SAJC became more and more like a distant dream. How was I going to a prestigious American university if I don't have my last chance to excel? I didn't believe polytechnics can let me do that as well, because that is not the nature of polytechnics. And I want to stop staying at status quo and going with the flow aimlessly, and I will be extremely depressed and upset if Destiny insists on this. Getting into SAJC means I must score 1 point lower than my A Maths tuition teacher did (He got into SAJC that time also because of affiliation)! He had no problem with his A Maths at that time and got 11 points. Minusing 2 points for affiliation and 1 point for CCA, he got into SAJC's Science stream. Me? I need 10 points to go into Arts stream of SAJC, because I don't have affiliation! So I'm extremely stressed. But I still want to go in because not only would admission officers of American universities want to see me challenging myself, but also because I like it there when I visited it during its Open House in February. Maybe I'm giving myself too much pressure, maybe I overestimated my abilities, maybe I even over-worry. But I'm still very firm with my goal, and I will follow my other tutor's footsteps, from getting F9 in Prelims to A1 in O Levels. In my final battle towards O Levels, I will not take any more chances, so according to my plan I will put 100% of effort into my O Levels and hopefully the perseverance is not wasted.

I know that for a while, everyone knows that I have been complaining my life in Singapore is bad, and claim that it could be better if I go to North America. And even as people try to convince me that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the world, I am undeterred, unlike the way how I react when people complain about their suffering in National Service. Well, here is the real reason behind it: I am seeking solitude, and I need to find myself. Remaining in one country for the rest of my life proves too much for me, as I just don't fit into society here. I feel very outcasted at times. I want to find my community out there, and expand my social circle big enough to not let me feel lonely. Again, I also don't want to anyhow 'go with the flow' and blindly do reservice for 10 cycles, and be like other Singaporeans,"It'll be nice to live overseas, but I don't have money/life is so difficult to adjust/jobs are so difficult to find/life here is good enough". I want to do things I want to do, and go places I want to go. I don't want to be the average Singaporean. Yes, sometimes I get paranoid over this, but that is the only way I vent out my sufferings I'm currently experiencing. So sometimes this is an indication that I'm crying for help, yet nobody knows it. Nobody has yet to convince me why life overseas is so bad, even when trying to make the most out of this experience. Maybe they are brainwashed by government propaganda, maybe when they went overseas they did the bare minimum to survive "because it's not my country", or maybe they are just plain patriotic. Whatever it is, I'm not deterred, because only after experience then I can see whether the grass there is really greener out there, and whether my emotional objectives are fulfilled. So, 4 Chinese New Years left to my departure.

Don't worry about me continuing my complaining of 'life is greener on the other side of the world', though. From post-O Levels onwards, I will enhance my life with plans to turn my stale life around. Included as part of my plans are taking up a part time job for 2 months in December, get very involved in CCAs and activities, start finding clubs/societies/courses outside schools related to all my interests (including studying French for AP, A Levels or DELF at Alliance Français de Singapour), start university preparation (including taking SATs, going for USEIC group counselling and preparing finanicial statements), as well as studying very hard using effective study skills for A Levels, aiming for all As. I am also using the principles of Life Strategies For Teens by Jay McGraw to not only improve my life, but also to stop my over-obsession with my American education plans.

Here is a Korean song called 어떡하죠(What Should I Do) I always listen to whenever I have this feeling of wanting to go to USA in disgust (translations on the screen):

The fear now sets in...

2009-08-21T04:28:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been 'traumatic' for me. It was a struggle to get my Design & Technology artefact done and finally it is on Tuesday! But that's not all. I still unexpectedly had a whole lot of additions to my Design Journal, making me stay up on Wednesday night till 2am and stay back after school yesterday until 5.30pm. Then now I have 2 Presentation Boards to finish before the national deadline on Monday/Tuesday. And this week I also have 5 ill-timed class tests. Because I was so busy with the Design Journal, Artefact and Presentation Boards, I have no time to study for the tests (that's if I can still remember anything about the tests). Then when poor results come back, teachers will blame me, and my morale is lowered, furthermore that would be just before the Prelims, when confidence is needed the most. Then yet another hypersensitive family quarrel took place last night, when I'm all worn out. In the O Level English Paper 3 Oral Exam on Wednesday, I thought I did very well despite a little stuttering and a little shock at the first conversational question asked. But the next day, I was informed our marks have been sabotaged as one of the examiners was irritated at (particularly) somebody's noise in the examining hall. Now I can't get more than 30/40 for this component, meaning I have to put in more effort in my English Papers 1 & 2, which getting an A1 with a Paper 3 score like that looks nearly impossible. What the hell is going on!? I'm not Superman, you know. Rather I'd be Hyperman if this continues. And I've scheduled a session with the counsellor at Shan You Centre on Tuesday, hopefully it will shed some light on all my problems in the world.

I have a feeling people in my school (both teachers and classmates) are being too nice (formal, friendly, etc) to me, yet in the end they don't look like they are interested in becoming friends me, thus the loneliness, because it's very obvious that they treat their other acquaintances very differently, by being humble, fun, comedic, etc. It is definitely because they have that impression that I'm very emotional, childish, boring, anti-social, hot tempered, clumsy, different attitudes and/or unable to blend in/adapt. To tell you the truth, I'm very grateful that they are trying to accommodate me by being nice and make me feel welcome and interested by attending my birthday party and chalet, but nowadays the more they try to treat me like an emo-kid, the more I feel uncomfortable and lonely, because it seems like our friendships are fake, while they are naturally themselves to their 'true' friends. It seems that the Facebook quiz is correct this time when it said,"You have good friends, but they are probably not your type." I don't know how to handle this; if I do something about it, like telling them straight, the outcome will be very complicated. Some will understand, some will turn their backs on me. And the latter will be due to so many reasons that I have to face one by one. I really don't know what to do...but one thing's for sure: I will NEVER show my emotional side to my future classmates. NEW INFORMATION: I can tell that from my classmates' ignorance, they probably do not know how else to treat me. Maybe what I really want, is them to see me the way they did when we first started out as strangers last year, before I threw any tantrums. Or maybe restart the whole thing all over again. But the whole idea here is to remove all kinds of awkwardness on both sides so that all of us can be friends naturally. And also I'm not here to request or force friendships, asking for more, complain, or critisize. That's unethical, and won't make any genuine friendships. Thus this is what I hope they will understand. I may be even more lonely in class now, but ultimately, they have to decide for themselves, whether they want to be in my social circle to feel unguilty, they want me to be in their social circle as genuine friends, or both, so that there's a win-win situation. Then I can see who really wants to be real friends with me. Currently, I am upgrading my social skills with my counsellor, so that I will also, in the future, claim responsibility of my loneliness, rather than just blame others for not wanting to socialise with me, which is also unethical. And eventually I will find a best friend/group of friends I can keep for as long as possible.

Prelims are in 12 days, O Levels are in 50+ days, and because of my D&T coursework I'm far from ready. I'm really going to be in a state of panic, because my self revision assignments are 2 weeks late. And only recently I've got the effective exam preparation techniques from Tiffany, which the message she gave me was:"hey! haha glad to answer your qns:)anw, it wasn't a matter of how long i studied (i didn't really count anw) but i kind of did consistent work all the way. But anw its not too late now...i suggest that when you come home after school, take a one hour break - eat, bathe etc., then start revision until like 11 den sleep. every 3 hours or so can take like a half an hour break ---but don't turn it into a 3 hours break haha! anw, i wrote notes like summary of each chapter so that like just before the exam, can just read through the main points. Writing a summary requires u to read through the whole chapter so its kinda studying too...and taking out wad's impt.:)Yup, i did the 10 year series but i also did a lot of other school papers. It is better if u study one chapter first den u do the 10 year series on that chapter without referring to your notes...to test yourself if u really understand that chapter.Another thing...motivating yourself is impt too. what i did was that i pasted a piece of paper on my cupboard telling myself not to slack and go study and wrote the L1R5 that i aimed for big big so that whenever i open my cupboard, then i can see it and remind myself haha:) Aim high:)Anw...believe in yourself and stop posting such pessimistic comments on your facebook haha!Anw...wad did u get for your mid-years?(...) haha ...anw...jiayous. I also very scared for my promos.which is is 1 month time and i hardly have time to study and i haven't started haha! and then also got PW which takes up a lot of time!and so i'm quite dead too----and very worried haha!jiayou to you and me too! haha:) anymore qns can just come and ask me:) Good luck and remain optimistic!" There's little time left, and I'm overly worried: How am I supposed to get into St. Andrew's or Nanyang Junior College if this is happening? Hopefully following her advice will help.
This song is a song based on the meaning of friendship, sung by Christina Aguilera. Look out for the English version in my Facebook profile.

Lyrics:
Cuando estoy por caer,
yo se que tu amor me volvera a socorrer,
vencere el temor
mientras sepa que tu sientes
dentro lo mismo que yo
en el dolor el bien tu me supiste amar
y lo que soy es por ti sin dudar...

Eres mi proteccion, mi sosten
frente a todo mi mejor opcion,
por siempre tu...
mi poder, mi valor,
a travez de lo peor,
mi luz mi cielo azul
mi gran amor aun
por siempre tu...

No hay ningun amanecer
que no me despierte sin saber
que te sone, soy por ti muy feliz
en mi alma para siempre
hay un sitio para ti
no importe donde este
tu amor me encontrara
iluminando mi ser mi oscuridad

Eres mi(Eres mi) proteccion(proteccion), mi sosten
frente a todo mi mejor opcion,(frente a todo mi mejor opcion)
por siempre tu...(por siempre tu)
mi poder(mi poder), mi valor, a travez de lo peor,
mi gran amor aun
por siempre tu...

Mi guardian sera refujio de tu querer,
la fe que me ara creer que vale mi vida,
un hogar al cual por siempre volvere te amo
Por siempre tu...solo tu

Eres mi proteccion, mi sosten
frente a todo mi mejor opcion,(to mi mejor opcion)
por siempre tu...(por siempre tu)
mi poder(mi poder), mi valor, a travez de lo peor
mi luz, mi cielo azul (mi luz cielo azul)
mi gran amor aun (mi gran aun)
mi luz, mi cielo azul
mi gran amor aun
por siempre tu...

Translation (The 'love' here refers to friends' love) :
FOREVER YOU

When I am about to fall,
i know that your love will return to aid me
i will overcome the fear
while you know that you feel
the same as me inside
in pain, you knew to love me well
and what i am is for you without doubt...

you are my protection, my support
in front of everyone, my best option,
forever you..
my will, my worth
through the worst thing,
my light, my blue sky,
my greatest love still
forever you...

there is no dawn
that doesn't wake me up without knowing
that i dreamt of you, i am very happy with you
in my soul forever
there is a place for you
it's not important where it is
your love will find me
illuminating my being, my darkness

you are my (you are my) protection (protection), my support
in front of everyone, my best option (in front of everyone, my best option)
forever you... (forever you)
my will, my stregnth, through the worst thing
my greatest love still
forever you..

my guardian will be sheltered by your care
the faith that plows me to believe that my life has value,
a home to which i will always return, my love,
forever you...

(you are my protection, my support)
in front of everyone, my best option
forever you..
my will, my worth, through the worst thing
my light, my blue sky
my greatest love still
my light, my blue sky
my greatest love still
forever you...

85 days to O Levels

2009-07-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

I caught the fever & flu bug twice this month. My health seems like it is deteoriating, probably at the mercy of pre- Preliminary Exams stress (And I'm not kidding- this month remedial lessons of all kinds suddenly crop up from nowhere; I'm not used to staying back so many times a week, and some of the lessons are unfulfilling and occasionally miserable), or maybe my body desperately needs some metabolism charge. But you know something? I can be sick anytime except during my Preliminary or O Level Exams period. I cannot let my illness to hinder me to take my exams. If that happens, I'll force myself to the exam hall, with a mask of course, or ask for services to isolate me while I do the exam. But for now, my fever is granting me a good rest- and an opportunity to catch up with things I used to not have time with. Like sleep, internet and read. HaHa. But also self-revision for exams. I'm not as carefree about exams as you think I am.

Does anybody have an idea whether dropping 10 points by Prelims and another 10 by O Levels is possible? I need to get from 29 points in Mid Year Exams to 9 in O Levels for my L1R5 aggregate. I still don't know whether the effort I'm currently putting in is enough. I am worried my results will be stagnant again. I want to get into St Andrew's Junior College! I will not allow my future schools to as 'average' as my secondary school. I want to break the status quo, so I have to study like the top students from the elite schools. But I have no idea how they study, not only in skills, but how much time is allocated, what kind of habits they possess, and so on. Currently I'm only studying assessment books for self-revision based on a revision timetable I drew up, as well as doing homework. Is that enough? I hope so.

I have chosen my top universities that would be seriously considered based on their academic programs (which is, to gauge, the availability of Bachelor's Degrees in Architecture, as that is what I'm most likely to enrol in), admissions issues, features of the college, financial issues (availability of financial assistance and ease of covering costs), location & campus setting, level of competitiveness and performance in top university rankings:
1) Columbia University-Barnard College
2) Massachusetts Institute Of Technology
3) University Of Pennsylvania
4) Princeton University
5) University College London
6) University of Cambridge
7) McGill University
8) University Of Toronto
9) Cornell University
10) Rice University
11) University of California, Los Angeles
12) University of California, Berkeley
13) University of British Columbia
14= University of New South Wales
14= University of Sydney
16) Pennsylvania State University
17) Carnegie Mellon University
18) Cooper Union
19) University of Tokyo
20) University of Southern California
21) University of Notre Dame
22) National University Of Singapore/4th university
This is the result after doing much research online and questioning counsellors and admission officers. OK, I've come up with a plan. I will prepare for and take the SAT next year, and then start applying for external financial aid such as scholarships. I will gather, complete and mail applications to the first 8 universities. If I unfortunately don't even get into 1 of the 8, I will apply to the rest in the list. It's gonna be very exciting to see the opportunity of studying abroad getting nearer and nearer, as I prepare step-by-step. Oh yes, I have renewed hopes of getting into Columbia University, as its affiliate Barnard College offers a major in Architecture.

The end of secondary school is going to be both happy and sad. Happy to have finally graduated and am able to continue to my next stage in my academic life, which means new things to study, new constructive challenges, new friends and new opportunities. Also happy to be seperate from Thaddeus' 'gang' of friends. Sad to seperate from friends and those precious school moments I had (the good parts). Also sad to leave behind the humble life that my school is unique for. But we must move on (and I'm happy to anyway). So here's to the last lap towards the O Levels! (LOL)

This is a song for motivation as well as a heartlifter for those who are suffering under stress and pressure that feels like hell: WHEN YOU BELIEVE by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston

The start of the final semester of secondary school

2009-07-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

First week, I fell sick on Sunday and only get to recover at home on Tuesday. On Thursday, I was sent home because of a slight flu (LOL). Anyway I wasn't very willing to go to school on that day of the week. Revision plan not going too well, although there is some progress.

On Saturday, I invited 8 classmates (Don, Joel, Yi Liang, Alvin, Si Wei, Zhao Yan, Gabriel, and Kai Yuan) to my chalet at NSRCC for a barbeque (BBQ) and a good time with the club's facilities. Bicycles closed shop just after their arrival...how disappointing. The food tasted better than the previous day's BBQ! I wonder who are the experts here...Later, we went play pool. There, I finally learnt how the game is played! Asked for mahjong set for them, but again, disappointment as they closed a few minutes after we started to ask for it. Then 5 of them wanted to stay but due to overcrowding they changed their mind. It was a simple event but I liked it a lot. And about 10 years later, I hope to invite them to USA/Canada for the same kind of gathering. Or more likely, an adventure of their lifetime.

OK, now I want to declare that these words/phrases will be taboo to me: army, National Service/NS, attitude, behave, haven't grow up, haven't mature, selfish, self-centered, you think life in USA/Canada is better than Singapore's? and all other related words and phrases. These words/phrases change my mood and stir up feelings. Please do NOT mention them in your next conversation with me, I had enough of them. They only make me miserable, no matter what or how you try to knock some sense into me when I become paranoid. And all the more I want to move out to Canada and prove to you that I can live a better life there without going through all the trouble Singapore has for me.

I just found out from my American (-Chinese) cousin that she almost never experienced racism all her life (except for 1 incident, but that's because it's in a remote area)! So what have my other cousins been telling me? Racial tensions among the Asians and American whites in Queens (New York City)? Those with mild mental disorders has 0% chance of getting into American universities? Still insist it's still a huge problem today in USA? NONSENSE!!! Why are they doing this to me? All they have been telling me are only the disadvantages of moving to North America, not weighing both pros and cons to measure the worthiness of moving to North America. You know, it's like just because they want to stay in Singapore for life, then they'll want me to do/think the same. And just because they may have experienced it negatively it doesn't mean I will. They still can tell me the pros of National Service. Are they really doing reality check with a neutral point of view or are they just pro-Singapore? Well, NO MORE NONSENSE. I'm going to study in a large city in USA or Canada and after graduating, live and work in Toronto for the rest of my life. Don't even think of asking me to return to do re-service. That's a NO-NO and NO WAY. It won't even make it to the last place of 'Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die' list. I want to leave every horrible Singaporean thing behind and find a new life of my own. But I will miss some of the people here, including my current set of classmates, so on my last moment before the Departure area of Singapore Changi Airport, I will turn back my head for 1 last time to look at the people sending me off and this song will ring in my mind (which is also the theme song for The Ultimatum):

Lyrics:
是谁从我天空摘走了星星
一转眼眉头聚满乌云
从来快乐悲伤都自己横行
忘了我也值得被关心
一双手一个梦一路上不断的俯冲
痛到忘了要怎么喊痛

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫
漫长的等候让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待消失的彩虹

是谁将阳光都剪成了雨滴
天灰了，快乐总有限期
从来都陷在孤独的流沙里
忘了我也配被人在意
一个人一直走看着梦像做了又空
精疲力尽有没有哪里可以停泊

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想有拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫
漫长的等候让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待消失的彩虹

那是谁的温柔留在我的小手
微不足道却那么重

漫长的寂寞把意志都吞没
整个世界是沉默的漩涡
有谁能陪我手牵着手出走
带我离开空洞的星球

还有什么值得追求
还有什么可以拥有
把怀抱借给我是不是就不再颤抖
有谁能带走这美丽的哀愁
能让我相信被爱的理由

Translation:
Who won the stars away from my sky?
Dark clouds came in an twinkling of an eye
Sadness is never happily running on its own
I'm also forgotten to deserve to be concerned about
Hence a dream
Continuous subduction along the way
So painful until I've forgotten how to scream in pain

The prolonged loneliness drowned my sorrow
My world is worse than a desert
In fact, I also want to embrace the gentle
Melting of this solid foam
Waiting for a long lost person in particular
Edge loneliness can hurt the sky
Who can hold my hand
Whom I can look forward to accompany me to wait for the rainbow to disappear

Who changed the sun into rain?
A gray day, there will always be a happy period
I have always been stuck in the quicksand of loneliness
I'm forgotten to be accompanied
People have been taking a look at another dream, which feels so empty
Where can I have parking for my exhausted self

The prolonged loneliness drowned my sorrow
My world is worse than a desert
In fact, I also want to embrace the gentle
Melting of this solid foam
Waiting for a long lost person in particular
Edge loneliness can hurt the sky
Who can hold my hand
Whom I can look forward to accompany me to wait for the rainbow to disappear

Whose warmth was it that stayed in my little hands
It is so insignificant

The prolonged lonliness have swallowed my willpower
The whole world is silent whirlpool
Who can accompany me to leave hand in hand
leave this empty planet

What else is there to chase after?
What else is there to have/use?
Let me embrace, is it no longer trembling?
Who can take away this beautiful sadness
To let me believe the reasons for being loved

3rd week of June holidays

2009-06-15T00:28:00.000-07:00

Finally a week without school at all! So sick of the extension of school days into the school holidays in terms of remedial and Design & Technology (D&T) coursework. Had a 14 hour sleep on Saturday night to end the real Term 2 Cycle. So now I have the time and energy to rest, finish up holiday homework, start a revision plan for Prelims, and get ready for another round (Term 3). This final half-year is going to be tense, especially if I'm going to have high aims to get into St. Andrews Junior College (SAJC; L1R5: 9 points). So far, SAJC is the only JC that I'm really impressed with. The rest of all the JCs (except a few which are all impossible to get in) look like an ordinary extension of a secondary school.

You must be wondering why I suddenly changed my direction from Diploma of Architecture to a JC again. It was because when I recieved a brochure of University College London, I was impressed by it. Then I realised there are more options with majors I can take. I may be interested in Urban Planning rather than Architecture, which Polytechnic doesn't have. So the first reason is there are more degrees/majors in university that I can choose from, where an A Level is more accepted, preferred, open up entries into more degrees/majors, and relevant than a Diploma with relevance to certain degrees only, and by the time you discover there is something more interesting to study, but with an irrelevant Diploma, it's too late and too bad. Even if you get accepted, the Diploma is wasted. Also, that can mean I have more time to consider what I really want to study in university. Second reason is that my Ultimate Goal in the end is a prestigious university education overseas, and an A Levels can guarantee that more than a Diploma, because that is what it is designed for in the first place. I'm not the kind whose goal is 'one-at-a-time'. I look towards the end of the journey. And I'd like to end up in any of these universities: Columbia University, University College London/London Business School, McGill University, University of California-Berkeley, University of Toronto, University of British Columbia, Ecole Normal Superieure, New York University, University of Tokyo, or, at the very least, National University of Singapore, although I can still broaden a little and accept good universities in Sydney, Melbourne, Boston, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Chicago, Seoul, German cities, Stockholm, and Helsinki. But to go via JC it'll be extremely stressful, and if I'm not doing well I'll be forced to repeat in either JC1 or A Levels. Despite the extended misery, it's only 2 years of getting overwith, and once I'm done, it's over. Compared to 3 years of 'playing' in polytechnic on an unsure route and have an unsure university prospect. I don't feel comfortable in polytechnic anyway, especially when I experienced it during the Poly Experience at Singapore Polytechnic last Wednesday. Yes, you tell me, 'but there are graduates from poly who succeeded in life' but how many percent is that? And I heard that even those who managed to get into university were struggling there, because what poly taught them are skills for the working world, not knowledge for entry into university. And those who don't get into university will have to live with low salaries ($1800-2000). Seriously the education system is awful in the sense that you have to make difficult decisions at such a young age, and all desicions yield huge consequences in your study years, your life, or both. So it's really hard to decide, but with a 'matrix', I'm sticking to JC. Wish me luck struggling from pre O Levels to A Levels to National Service. And that's a total of 5 years.

2nd week of June Holidays

2009-06-08T01:06:00.000-07:00

June 2nd, English Paper 3- Oral (Prelimnary Exams). My performance in it indicates I need some oral communication lessons. Even talking or listening to people, particularly those who I don't know, or have a different accent, is becoming a problem, but I don't think it's because I'm so used to Singlish; though I don't know what's happening either. And if I have a choice, I'd choose oral communications that includes American Accent Training.

June 3rd to 5th: Holiday lessons. I find Additional Maths lessons to be very useful, but as for experiments/practical during Physics and Chemistry lessons, it's really a drag, and the teachers are always too busy to help me, and I lack skills in Practical, so it wasn't something to look forward to.

June 5th to 7th: Getaway to Malacca (Melaka). Didn't visit many tourist attractions, only passing by them, tasted the original Peranakan food, shopping in Dataran Pahlawan and Jusco, walked through Jonker Walk, and that's it. I was expecting a detour to Kuala Lumpur, but in the end, they decided not to, so hopefully I can go back across the borders in the 3rd or 4th week, hopefully able to visit my maternal cousins in Kuala Lumpur (including 1 paternal cousin and her family), while bringing Sasha along.

Design & Technology coursework remedial: I'm getting tired of it. The progress of my artefact is slow, machines are so dangerous, teachers/instructors occasionally unavailable until it kept me waiting for very long, disturbing neighbouring class, lunch is 30 minutes away, long hours, dirty and dusty workshop, etc. Before long I'm not coming anymore. I tell you, that's not the way to spend your vacations away, and I wish the deadline can be extended because resorting to this kind of conditions is not enjoyable. On the plus side, the artefact is easier to make than I thought, but still it needs more steps towards completion, taking up a longer time, more materials, and more help needed.

Start of revision for Prelimnary Exams (Prelims): it will start tomorrow, but I doubt I have the energy to get moving, because of the Design & Technology coursework remedial, so I'm modifying the plan tonight. And I really need to persevere and persist this time, because as time passes, the period gets more critical. Soon it will be the Prelims and O Level Exams. Thus my goal set for Prelims is- ELR2B2: 17, L1R5: 23, and for O Levels- ELR2B2: 9 or L1R5: 8 (different aims for different schools that I want to attend). I can accept a few more points but not until I cannot qualify for the courses at all.

I realised I need to do something about my weight and body, so I have to start the Men's Health 22-minute weight-free plan as soon as possible. Maybe the No Diet Diet would help too.

Actually I'm getting weary now (as well as dreary) as it is still pre-O Levels. I'm looking forward to the end of it but it's just too far away. And I know lots of things await after the O Levels, including financial freedom from a part-time job I'm taking up, which translates into getting my first handphone, a large screen, high speed, and good quality laptop, going for an extended trip to Kuala Lumpur, buying more new clothes and attending short courses (such as languages). Those will be the good times before I start polytechnic in April 2010. That reminds me, I'm going for the Polytechnic Experience Immersion program this Wednesday, so let's see if polytechnic is right for me.

I have decided that Canada is the place to live and work when I graduate from university, because I had heard enough problems of living in USA, so I will go north instead, where I can live in peace, while still enjoying the benefits of USA and Canada. But as for college, USA is still the first choice, because of their high academic quality and rich college culture and life, although I will only choose urban and multi-cultural/multi-nationality colleges, to avoid racial conflicts. Up till now, I still don't know which colleges accept Singapore Polytechnic's Diploma in Architecture, and even emailing the colleges is of no use (except Cooper Union, which the response is positive). I guess handwritten mail is preferred over email in US colleges.

After reading the book Army Daze, my imagination went nuts when I read all the descriptions of the horrors of National Service. Singapore is really too much. The book made me contemplate of getting a Malaysian or Canadian passport and use it to leave Singapore before I get called up for National Service. But whether I escape or not, I'll still be migrating anyway, it's only an issue of whether you want to risk the chances of rejection, becoming stateless, getting extradited and go on trial and/or never see Singapore again, as well as people you know. I'm really stuck of what to do; why am I so unlucky to get a Singapore passport in the first place? Anyway, the following song is about breaking the status quo and realising your dreams, as well as realising that you feel you should be in a better place in the future:

End of The Term 2 Cycle? Your head ah!

2009-05-25T20:18:00.000-07:00

I thought when the Mid Year Exams are over, the Term 2 cycle is complete and I can put aside academic worries for a while, refresh my brain's energy, and let myself to rest mentally. I also thought the school recognises that when they planned the final week of Term 2. Never did I think that those plans were actually meaning something else, and thus my OUTRAGE BURNED ME OUT! You cannot imagine HOW FURIOUS I BECAME when the teachers told me that firstly, even if I'm not participating in the Mother Tongue Intensive Program, I still have to come to school (painfully) and then 'give me some work to do', which is actually just idling around. And we'll (students of Higher Chinese and Chinese 'B') have to idle around for SEVEN HOURS A DAY, 3 DAYS IN A ROW, just because they need to 'go according to the rules and regulations'! You tell me, do we gain anything out of it? The worksheets that they give are better off for studying at home, and seriously, for 7 hours, we can spend the time doing better things, even if you talk academically-wise. And we can use the time to catch up with our sleep, something I didn't manage to get since March till the end of the exams. Furthermore, did they learn anything from the movie 'I Not Stupid 2', not to always 'go according to the rules and regulations', and to be more humaine to us? I'm telling you, this is where all the schools in Singapore must 'wake up'. Foreigners comment on how rigid Singapore school life is. I heard from a friend that someone in my school, who dropped to the Normal-Academic Stream from Express, was so fed up of the people and life here (just like me), that she screamed her way out of school. This friend who told me that is also not very happy in school, telling me that 'the grass is greener in the future, not the other side of the world', and also I'm not alone. Even a drama in Singapore (My School Daze) as well as other previous dramas and movies highlighted the latest pressures faced by Singaporean students, and yet who would know the teachers will learn something out of it and think "it's just a drama/movie". Please tell me, do the teachers really spare a thought in their hearts for those students who are outcasted, independant-minded, depressed, and/or sad? You can tell me, ' to train you for army', 'to instill discipline in you', 'so that when you go out to work...blah blah blah'. I can tell you, 'don't even think of using army as an excuse for mistreating us' (that reminds me, this quotation also applies to camp instructors, as well as leaders of Scouts, National Cadet Corps, National Police Cadet Corps, St. John Ambulance Brigade, Boy's Brigade, Girl's Brigade, National Civil Defence Cadet Corps, Red Cross, etc.), and 'too much discipline in school doesn't give you any work experience'. So I decided to follow friendship-complicated friends, also from Chinese 'B' and also like me, cannot withstand the idleness, to escape the school grounds (how I escaped is a secret!). It was a thrilling experience, as this is my 1st time resorting to such a thing. I felt a little guilty, but I thought the school deserves this kind of resentment from me. So I'm also refusing to go to school for the next 2 idling days, let's see what happens. Anyway, my 2nd reason of fury is that the holiday lessons plus the coursework time takes up THREE-QUARTERS of my school vacations away. Again, what are the teachers thinking? That we should be a NON-STOP STUDY MACHINE that doesn't need a breather? True, national exams are coming, but by exhausting us won't we be even more tired to study & think? And why did SEAB set the Design & Technology coursework deadline so early? Also, why must there be so many subjects in 1 day, and start the holiday lessons so early? It'll rather be an extension of school days and the shortening of holidays (that reminds me, there was a newspaper article about schools consuming the school holidays, printed last year, but did the public learn anything? In the article, there were also people complaining that school holidays are being misused, and there was even 1 woman who ignored the remedial schedule and took her child abroad for holiday). Now you tell me the teachers are also making an effort to improve my grades, but making me wake up so early again, and put me in the same chaotic classroom which is far from condusive, don't you think it's getting less and less worth the trouble? Speaking of trouble, do you know how troublesome it is to wear school uniform and shoes everytime I step into school grounds? You'll say 'it's for security reasons...', but aren't all the places locked up or being kept watched when no one is using the rooms? There is simply no sense used when rules and planning is made. What about the suggestion forms I wrote last month and sent it in? Were they actually read? I didn't get any response for a month already. Now who's being irresponsible? I still remember the time when I was still in kindergarten. Everytime I go in, I cried the hell out, until the teachers were stunned, my parents had a difficult time to make me stay, and I refused to wear uniforms (they were seriously ugly!). And the reluctance to go to school is carried all the way till today. This shows school life is definitely not for me, but I have to hang on because I have dreams. Dream to become free, go to universities that respect freedom, and to have a working life in a free city like New York City, or a career/lifestyle that respects freedom. But they are so far away. At least 5 years from now. By the time I'd have gone berserk already, because I have to hang on in a country that doesn't respect adolescent freedom, although I understand that it is still not as bad as the 2 Koreas, but is Singapore striving to be like that? You tell me, some questions cannot be answered, so what does that mean? I've asked a question that triggers the guilt in the authorities so much until they become speechless? If that's the case, the questions serve them right. And I'll continue to hassle until I get an answer. A good one.

OK, this is how I fared in the Mid Year Examinations:
English: 62 (B/4)
Elementary Mathematics: 61 (B/4)
Additional Mathematics: 17 (F/9)
Combined Science: 56 (C/5)
Combined Humanities: 63 (B/4)
Design & Technology: ? (B/3)
Chinese B: 61 (B/4 or Merit)
I will update the marks when I recieve my report book this Friday.
I don't think the results were up to my expectations, even though this time I failed only 1 subject, and the calculated L1R5/ELR2B2 score is getting better. If there were to be reasons for getting better, it's because I really tried harder this time, also finishing one-third of my assesment books at the same time. If there were to be reasons why it's still not good enough, it's because of problems in school and home that are pulling me downwards, as well as my depression episodes, so at least I think I deserve some credit for it, as well as some rest, which the school took away from me.

School, home & future update.

2009-05-07T04:58:00.000-07:00

SCHOOL
I had never felt so depressed in my life!(or at least since last April) I've gotten even more sleep deprived lately, having less than 6 hours of sleep every night (now this is not a chance for you to start nagging on me trying to sleep early; it simply does not work, especially nowadays when my head is loaded with problems). Again, I'm stuck-in-a-rut, with the same old routine repeating everyday, every week (and that is including waking up the same time everyday sleepyheaded). Every CLB lesson I have to put up with toxic people such as Darryl, and my former good friends Wilson and Marcus. And just yesterday it shocked me when I was informed of my absence from the remedial that I was supposed to go when I thought it was cancelled. I'M SO FED UP! Luckily, the Mid Year Exams has now come to mark the end of the Term 2 cycle. And hopefully, after posting 2 suggestion forms, life will be more tolerable in Term 3, and also hopefully the results of the Mid Year Exams will be positive.

Recently, my school announced that the trip they organised to Japan was cancelled, understandably due to the H1N1 virus and financial issues. Though a little disappointed as I won't be sitting in a plane and speaking Japanese, there are some positive sides to be considered. I am now able go to the Polytechnic Experience Program. I can change languages to learn that are more useful now. Also, I don't have to argue with my father over another trival matter. And as a replacement, the Principal let us give suggestions as an alternative to the Japan trip, to curb the disappointment. So now I have a win-win situation, but I don't know what others might be thinking.

HOME
I want to leave my house. But where to? If I have a home of my own, or at least sponsored with the approval of all the owners of their homes, I would have moved out long time ago. I have a father who is so traditional, unreasonable, stubborn, and unskilled in parenting that the quarreling I had with him 2 nights ago drove me crazy. How bad is he? To the extent that my tuition teachers, past and present, say he is paranoid, and even my school counsellor, 'way beyond help'. Details can only be discussed face-to-face or via email, so contact me if you want to know more. What about my sister? She is such a queen in the house, doing whatever she wants to inconvenience me and my brother. For about SEVEN YEARS, we had a dispute over her using my cabinet to store her clothes and using my bathroom, even though there is a cabinet in her own room and other toilets in the house she can use. The cabinet in the room that I currently share with my brother was a mixture of male and female clothings, from underwear/bra to jackets, and I find it disgusting. The bathroom is overused to the point that the shower broke down thrice since we moved in, the toilet bowl, twice, and the lights, uncountable. YET my sister and my unreasonable father who sides her (because of the obvious attention he gives her rather than to us brothers) refused to change or do anything about it (except maybe get the toilet fixed numerous times), until I moved out all her toiletries and clothes 2 days ago, which sparked the argument. And again yesterday, she took out my mp3 when it was still charging clumsily, causing my mp3 to go haywire for 2 days. Then had another argument. Wow you won't believe how crazy I became. This has happened for many years already, and I'm EXTREMELY SICK AND TIRED of this nonsense. I can still remember crying in Disneyland California in December 2007, and yes, it's the same culprit. So now I don't want to travel with my family anymore. When will it all come to an end? When I leave the house. Just that now there's technically nowhere to go to, except some of my friend's empty rooms...

Just last week, after anticipating the arrival of my American cousin, Sasha, into Singapore, which is scheduled to be on the 14th of May, next Thursday, on United Airlines,flight UA 895, from Chicago via Hong Kong, at 2335 hours, her mother told me she will be here only for an internship, which is fine to me, although it is difficult to schedule trips to Malaysia this June Holidays, when I would take her around to experience Malaysian life. Then she said Sasha will stay with her paternal cousins, so I thought, okay, that's fine if she shares her time between us (as her maternal cousins) and them. But then I became completely shocked when she said she's not planning to stay with us at all, except maybe over the weekends. WHY!? I may have given up being selfish to her paternal relatives many years ago, but this time THEY are being selfish! This is ABSURD! Their condominium is KILOMETRES away from the nearest MRT station, compared to my house, which is only about 300m from the new Lorong Chuan Station, set to open this 28th May. I'm honestly very upset with their "adults' decision", so I feel like giving it all up. In fact, if I'm angry, I'll pretend she didn't come to Singapore at all. This is really disappointing, and it's just like the difference between the exciting "SASHA'S FINALLY COMING TO SINGAPORE!!! YAY!!!" and the undeterred "Sasha's coming? So what?"

FUTURE
There is a possibility (how small or big it is, I don't know) that I won't do so well in my O Level Exams, so I have a few backup plans, that is, prestigious private schools like MDIS and APMI/Kaplan. They have programs like A Levels, Diploma, Bachelor Degrees and even repeating O Levels, which follows their own timetable. I am already interested in some of the programs, but because this is less well known, I don't know what is the culture like, so it's a little scary. For now, I can only do research in their websites to learn more. But let's just wait till the end of O Levels, because my grades may still be able to make it into the Polytechnic course of my choice.

As for studying in overseas in the future, I've decided to narrow down to studying in only these 6 cities that I know very well: New York City, San Francisco, Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal, and Paris. Only then I choose a university from there, which I know each of these cities have at least 2 prestigious universities to choose from. I want to avoid the universities in rural areas and other small towns, because the culture and security situation (especially the American gun culture) is more unpredictable there.I have a very good impression with these 6 cities, that I will most likely have a good time there (if not, I can always move out). After graduating, since it is very difficult to secure an American Work Visa, I have little choice but to move/stay in Toronto, only then I can holiday in USA from there.

Here is another song to 'sing my sorrows', this time in English:

My possible college future at Cooper Union, New York City

2009-04-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

New and original buildings of Copper Union

I am dreaming again...and I hope this dream comes true! My after-National Service years will hopefully be spent in The Cooper Union For The Advancement Of Science And Arts, and hopefully will be the best times of my life. This private, prestigious university/college, specialising in Architecture, Engineering and Fine Arts, comprises of 6 buildings located in Downtown Manhattan, New York City. See their brochure for more information: http://scientia.cooper.edu/registrar/cat0809_sect1.pdf . But before all that, I am planning to study Singapore Polytechnic's Diploma in Architecture (more likely) or Civil Engineering & Management (as Plan B), then use the Diploma and a recommendation letter from the school to apply to Cooper Union. Honestly, getting in is a challenge, as the college only admits 9% of those who applied. But, using a Diploma for admission, and using college admission tactics in my application letter, I'm sure I'll have a better chance of getting in, but that also means I need to work very hard on my Diploma from 2010 to 2013. Using a Diploma also has an advantage; I can cut down the number of years of studying by 1 or 2 years, meaning I can graduate earlier.

There are many reasons why studying in Cooper Union would be the best times in my life. It is located in the centre of a world city, New York City, halfway across the world from my 2 hometowns of Singapore and Kuala Lumpur. And this world city has many things to do, places to go, cuisines to taste, people to meet, culture to be shocked at, wide shopping/services options to be amazed at and entertainment to enjoy (unlike Singapore now, Been There, Done That, like what people tell me, but the wide variety of food is the only thing that never gets boring, naturally). Even when the weekend break options run out, there are other places to go outside New York City, for example New Jersey, New York State countryside, and if there is time, Boston/New England, Philadelphia, and even Washington, DC. There are books that has recommendations, such as TimeOut's Weekend Breaks from New York, 1000 things to do in New York, and Lonely Planet's New York, Washington DC and Mid-Atlantic trips (unlike Singapore, where you need to go across jammed-packed border crossings, take a slow train, sit on ferries, or fly on planes, all which consume precious time and money). During term breaks or school vacations, I can always fly on Jetblue Airways to anywhere in the USA for a holiday (including visiting my cousins). The college itself has advantages, which includes class starting at 9 a.m., healthy for my sleep, FULL TUITION SCHOLARSHIP, which releases the majority of my financial burdens, residence hall for 1 year in one of their buildings, which means I can get to and from classes easily, and assistance for part time jobs. 26% of the students there are Asian, and 9% of all students are international, like me, so I don't have to worry about feeling left out. New York City has 4 very distinct seasons, which I want to try out, as here in Singapore it is getting hotter and hotter, and there's no winter to cool down by much. New York is also cheaper to live in than in Singapore, according to a CNN report: while Singapore is the 10th most expensive place in the world to live in, New York is 23rd, and that is the highest in USA. There is also a huge Singaporean community here in New York.

There are also drawbacks, however. As this college is not a full-fledged college, it doesn't seem to have a wide variety of extra courses/modules, and therefore these have to be taken at other universities if required/desired (although they have foreign language courses, but there are only 3 available, mainly for communication to countries that are reknowned in Cooper Union's specialisations). Accomodation in residence hall is only allowed for 1 year, thereafter rental of housing is required, and that can be expensive. Their clubs and activities are probably only limited to sports after research. As for New York itself, recent survey shows that quality of life in New York is in the 40+ position, lower than Singapore and cities in Canada and Europe. Even though New York is the safest large city in USA, some crime still exist, and USA has gun culture, and recently there have been unfortunate incidents of mass shooting in campuses in USA, although those mainly take place in rural universities.

Nevertheless, I will definitely enjoy university life in New York if I get admitted into Cooper Union. If there is a need for backup, University of Toronto will be my close 2nd choice. And Toronto also has its advantages (as well as disadvantages), including higher quality of living, lower cost of living, and as for the university itself, it is located in the middle of Toronto, accomodation is available until you graduate, and it definitely is a full-fledged universities with a wide variety of modules and programs. A major drawback is that there's no such thing as a full-tuition scholarship, though numerous scholarships are available to cover costs one by one.

Right now, it's over 5 years away before I can get a one way boarding pass to New York City, due to the extended time in Singapore, imposed by that cursed National Service, so sometimes I will get depressed, but hopefully, just hopefully, before I know it, I'll finally touch down on American soil.

Update

2009-04-20T01:07:00.000-07:00

I'm getting sad and depressed yet again. Outlook of school is very gloomy, tired, and demoralizing. Maybe I have too much examination revision to do. Or Design & Technology work. Or family problems. Or the complicated friendships. Or the confiscation of laptop (which I just got it back today again hehe, but the condition of it has just got worse). Or the bad performance of recent tests. Or the dampening of my Thai language version survey form. Or all of the above. I'm beginning to withdraw interest from going to school again. By the way this week is the first anniversary of my more severe depression phase that I had last year. The only thing exciting is the arrival of my American cousin, Sasha, this 14th of May, 11.35pm, on United Airlines flight UA 895, but that's in the middle of my Mid-Year Exams, which means I don't get to go to the airport to fetch her. I really don't know what can make me happy. Maybe I'll get some enlightment after I read my 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Psychology of Happiness'. And maybe some spirituality too. Here's a Portuguese song to help turn my unhappiness around, but I doubt it'll do much:
Lyrics and translations:
LONGE DO MUNDO

Eu não sei se vais ouvir-me,
Se estás ai ou não,
Eu não sei se compreendes,
Esta oração

Se eu pra ti sou uma estranha,
Que o coração perdeu,
É ao ver-te que eu pergunto,
Se já foste como eu.

Refrão:

Longe do mundo,
Perto de ti,
Peço conforto,
De quem eu fugi,

Perdida ,esquecida,
Eu oro aqui ,
Longe do mundo,
Mas perto de ti

Peço conforto,
E nada mais,
Na voz dos que sofrem,
Padecem sinais,

Vêem de longe,
E chegam por fim,
Quem vai ouvi-los,
Quem sofre assim,

Eu não sei se vais lembrar-te ,
De um coração tão só,
Coração tão vagabundo,
Que perde ,chora todos os dias,

Refrão:
Longe do mundo,
Mas perto de ti,
Peço conforto,
De quem eu fugi,

Venho de longe ,
E chego por fim ,
Quem vai ouvir-me ,
Chamar assim.

Perdida ,esquecida,
Aqui,
Ao orar,

Longe do mundo,
Mas perto de ti . . .

AWAY FROM THE WORLD

I do not know if you hear me,
If you're there or not,
I do not know if I understand,
This prayer

If I am a stranger for you,
The heart is lost,
It is when seeing you that I ask,
If you were like me too.

Chorus:

Away from the world,
Near you,
Please comfort,
From who I ran away,

Lost, forgotten,
I pray here,
Away from the world,
But close to you,

Please comfort,
And nothing more,
In the voice of suffering,
Suffer signs,

See from afar,
And finally arriving,
Who will listen to them,
Who suffer thus,

I do not know if you remember,
Heart of a just,
Heart (is feeling) so lousy,
Who loses, cries every day,

Chorus:
Away from the world,
But close to you,
Please comfort,
From who I ran away,

I come from afar,
And finally come,
Who will hear me,
Call it.

Lost, forgotten,
Here,
To pray,

Away from the world,
But near you. . .

Birthday 'aftermath' and 2nd edition of my birthday wishes

2009-04-06T05:41:00.000-07:00

That was the best birthday party I had in my life! At first I did not expected everyone I invited would come, plus more! Then they pleasantly surprised me with birthday presents! After we settled down I went to bake my birthday cake...did not have enough time to freeze the ice-cream in the cake completely, but in the end it was made into a pudding instead! During the 'ceremony' I had the best birthday song after the one at Fish & Co Restaurant. After they ate my birthday cake-pudding, their reactions are very positive. I have revised my 16 birthday wishes that I wished upon the night sky 1 hour before my actual birthday was over; and they are:

To get the best O-Level Results I can possibly get
To have a more tolerable O-Level preparation life and have more energy/motivation to study more meaningfully.
To go to the best Polytechnic course that satisfies both my interest and'best fit'.
To have more travel freedom to go to Kyushu (school trip), Kuala Lumpur (because half of me belongs there), and Sydney (Katie's wedding).
To win Cadbury Lucky Draw's Grand Prize of 4 return air tickets on Singapore Airlines A380, Economy Class, to Sydney and cash of $2000.
To have my own personal bedroom with a single and larger bed and study table, and personal toilet with heater.
To have teenage essentials such as a perfect handphone and a large-screen, personalised laptop with Windows Vista, minimised lagging/lots of memory space, wireless function, DVD player, etc that I can use whenever I want to.
To have an even better life from next year onwards.
To increase my Emotional and Social Intelligence to survive in this world even better.
To extract out all my true friends and find a best friend or best company of friends that will stick with me as long as possible.
To have a lot more peaceful and smooth life at home, school and elsewhere.
NOT to let unfortunate or tragic things to happen to me that are caused by health, accidents, carelessness, etc.
To refresh my external appearance and closet of clothes.
To get my talents even more recognised and publicised to show that my existence in this world is worth it.
To have an extremely high chance of getting into an American or Canadian university, ad to qualify to downgrade in National Service medically to Grade E.
To fulfill ALL my above wishes, with ABSOLUTELY NO strings attached, at the appropriate time I want it to be.

Birthday update

2009-03-30T01:08:00.000-07:00

My birthday party has changed to this Friday, 4.30pm. I'm planning some things that suit both their and my likings, as well as showing them to my life. Meanwhile I will 'divert' Thezzan to a restaurant to celebrate my birthday, so that those coming to the party won't be chased away (LOL). As for that CHILD Marcus, let's see how well he behaves first...

Anyway, this is a familiar Spanish song that I chose to 'represent' my birthday. Lyrics & translations are below the video.

LO QUE SOY
Desde muy niña siempre actué
Con timidez
Con el miedo de decir
Todo de una vez

Tengo un sueño en mí
Que brillando está
Lo dejaré salir
Por fin tú sabrás

Lo que soy, es real
Soy exactamente la que debo ser hoy
Deja que la luz, brille en mí
Ahora sí, sé quién soy
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy

Sabes lo que es estar
En esta oscuridad
Con un sueño de alcanzar
Ser estrella y brillar
Si parece estar
Tan lejos hoy de aquí
Tengo que creer
En mí
Solo así sabré

Lo que soy, es real
Soy exactamente la que debo ser hoy
Deja que la luz, brille en mí
Ahora sí, sé quién soy
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Lo que soy

Eres esa voz que habita en mí
Por eso estoy cantando
Quiero encontrarte
Voy a encontrarte

Eres lo que falta en mi
Canción dentro de mí
Quiero encontrarte
Voy a encontrarte

Lo que soy, es real
Soy exactamente la que debo ser hoy
Deja que la luz, brille en mí
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Lo que soy

Ahora sí, sé quién soy
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy

Translation into English:
WHAT I AM
Always played a very early age
Timidly
With the fear of saying
All at once

I have a dream to me
That is shining
I let out
Finally you will know

What I am is real
I'm exactly where I should be today
Let the light shine on me
Now, I know who I am
There is no way to hide
What I always wanted to be
What I am

You know what it is to be
In this darkness
With a dream to achieve
Being a star and shine
If it appears to be
So far here today
I have to believe
Me
Only then will know

What I am is real
I'm exactly where I should be today
Let the light shine on me
Now, I know who I am
There is no way to hide
What I always wanted to be
What I am
What I am

You're the voice that lives in me
That's why I'm singing
I find
I will find you

You are what is missing in my
Song inside of me
I find
I will find you

What I am is real
I'm exactly where I should be today
Let the light shine on me
There is no way to hide
What I always wanted to be
What I am
What I am

Now, I know who I am
There is no way to hide
What I always wanted to be
What I am

My 16 birthday wishes for my 16th birthday

2009-03-24T02:37:00.000-07:00

Next Wednesday (1st April) is my 16th birthday! I'm planning a visit to either Delifrance or Pizza Hut for a personal birthday meal, then choose a recipe, buy ingredients, and make the birthday cake with my friends, and have a 'cake ceremony'. As I am turning 16, I'll make 16 birthday wishes, and maybe recite them on my birthday itself! The wishes are:

To get the best O Level Results that I can possibly get (Aim for L1R5 if going to JC: 8, as for ELR2B2 if going to Polytechnic: 8).
To go to the Junior College/Polytechnic that is best for me.
To have a more bearable life this year and even better/more enjoyable from next year onwards.
To be able to go to a prestigious university in USA when I reach university age.
To have better social IQ and Emotional Intelligence.
To have my own personal room.
To have teenage essentials such as handphones.
To have a perfect and personalised laptop.
To refresh my whole closet of clothes.
To be able to go to Sydney and Adelaide after O Levels to visit maternal (at Katie's wedding) and paternal (studying) cousins/relatives.
To have the freedom to travel alone to Kuala Lumpur to visit maternal cousins/relatives.
To refresh my whole appearance (hair,face,body shape, etc) before the new school term in 2010.
To be healthier (no more flu/colds, less sleep deprivation, less fatigue, better eyesight, etc.)
To get my talents really recognised in the future, and to be the perfect person that I want to be.
To do everything in my After-O Levels To-Do List.
To have ALL my above 15 wishes fulfilled, WITHOUT any strings attached.

All my above wishes carry EQUAL weightage of importance, and they are NOT arranged in order to signify the ranking of importance. Anyway, all those who are reading this and are invited next week, see you there!

My first time on a Class Outing

2009-03-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

All photographs are in my/Marissa's Facebook account.
This is the first time I was invited to a gathering of my class. There were about 13 people at first. We went to Sentosa's Siloso Beach, and since I didn't expect to swim, I didn't bring any clothes! So I went into the sea (only after hestitating), swam to a nearby island with them, and came out, without bathing or changing out! Then I dried myself as much as possible, ate snacks for 'lunch' with them underneath a lifeguard post, then waited (again) for Angeline to come, while Timothy orders $65 worth of drinks (only then he realises he spent too much). Then we played pool/billiards twice, while waiting a total of 6 hours for them to come out, and in the evening we went to Seoul Garden to eat Korean-style BBQ buffet. Price was a little high ($25) but I think it's worth it. And for the first time in my life and to my friends' eyes, I'm able to show more of the real me, and friendships are made/strengthened and memories are kept. Admittedly one of the best days with my friends. Hopefully there'll be more to come.

So far...

2009-03-03T23:16:00.000-08:00

School life currently
Academic life wasn't as hard on me as I thought it would be. In fact, I cope better than last year. Teacher-to-class scoldings still exist, but the situation is different now. Class generally still the same as last year in attitude, characteristics, etc., but there are changes in some people, both positive and negative. And so does my circle of friends. Here's the current statuses for all my friendship links for Peicaians and ex-Peicaians only (Note-I officially have NO BEST FRIEND for the moment) :
-Currently above-neutral/good friends whom I want the friendship to get even better: Timothy Lim, Benjamin, Randal, Chorlin, Kah Chun, Siravit, Alvin, Gabriel Long, maybe Glen, Zhao Yan, Carlvin, Adeline, Mui Na, Jerrard, Denise...
-Currently almost no friendship taking place (very neutral) whom I want to start/continue friendship with: Yi Liang, Si Kai, Louis, Reynard, Edmond, Pei Jie, Timothy Argota, Mattheus...
-Currently I'm starting/trying to avoid : Thaddeus, Spencer, Marcus Tan, Wilson, Darryl, Thezzan...
The rest are mainly neutral. I agree that it looks like at least half of my friends in the first category are all outcasts in Peicai, but I maintain friendships with the more popular people as well.

My present situation and future
These days are getting hotter, more boring, lonelier, more tense feelings, more stress and more depressing, due to annoying people in school (last category), at home, and Singapore is essentially "Been There, Done That", so simply put there's NOTHING TO DO. Like I said, I have no best friend to go out with all the time, and I've tried asking those in the first category out, but it's always prone to circummstances, although inviting Timothy & Kah Chun to my house last week was successful, not counting the fact that Benjamin, Gabriel and Thezzan didn't turn up in the end, and the fact that the 1st batch of low-fat cookies burnt in the oven. Temperature and amount of sleep also affects my mood everyday. I really hope things will be better from next year onwards. For this year's O Levels, I aim for a low 9 points for L1R5 if I'm convinced that Junior College is the way to go, otherwise 10 points for ELR2B2 if I stick to Polytechnic. I believe I'm doing the most that I can to reach this goal. But to make it even more ensuring, I will give up the laptop when the Design & Technology Journal is done. Nowadays I'm still thinking of going to New York City. Yes, I know I need to learn to count my blessings, but I still think, no matter how some people think of New York City negatively, that 'the grass is greener on the other side' of the world. The reasons why I can't wait to get there is because I'm eager to experience American (school/college) life, have international school/college friends, explore new places, don't really have to get 'stuck in the rut' like other Singaporeans, be overwhelmed by the availability and variety of good and services, heard that cost of living in New York City is lower than Singapore (a survey ranked New York City 23rd in terms of highest cost of living, while Singapore gets 13th), availability of jobs after graduation (though maybe not at this time), get to benefit from the PlaNYC 2030 citywide program of improving everything, from transport to environment ( www.nyc.gov/planyc ), know that New York City has a huge Asian community for me to get comfortable with, and finally, heard that Singaporeans who lived/worked/studied there enjoyed their stay tremendously, so I hope I will too. I might even want to stay forever. But I will be prepared for any negative thing to come, so that I won't suffer too much that I will want to turn back. I wish I could go there after O Levels, but that cursed National Service is hindering, delaying and even destroying this dream of mine, just because it's a 2 year term, which I'm still convinced will be the worst period of my whole life. I really want to go as soon as possible, but circumstances like this is really making me depressed. And all the more I want to get out of Singapore. On the day I leave I will probably recall this song:
This is the lyrics for the song, Vivre Ma Vie (Live My Life) and the translation below:

Je ne voulais pas y croire pourtant
Tu le sens et moi je sais (moi je sais)
Qu'on ne peut arrêter le temps
Vivre dans le passé

Peu importe à qui la faute
Quand la vie sépare nos chemins
Et sans faire du mal à l'autre
Je m'en vais demain

Refrain :Vivre ma vie
Vivre solitaire
Comme une affranchie
Qui a trouvé sa terre
Libre d'aimer
Ne plus oublier
Ce que je suis
Vivre ma vie
Je m'en vais, je m'en vais

Pour vivre ma vie sans regret
Je ferai preuve de courage
Mais je sais que je n'avais plus rien à donner.
J'ai préféré tourner la page
Je voudrais pour être utile et retrouver confiance en moi
Non je ne serai plus immobile
Et cette fois, cette fois, je vais
(Refrain)

Pour réaliser mes rêves
Je me laisse une trêve
Oui j'ai tout mon temps et je vais
(Refrain)
Je m'en vie (x4)
Vivre ma vie

Translation:
I did not believe it yet
Meaning you and I know (I know)
You can not stop time
Living in the past

No matter whose fault
When life separates our paths
And without hurt to another
I'm leaving tomorrow

Chorus: Living my life
Living alone
As a stamped
Who found his land
Free to love
Do not forget
What I am
Living my life
I am going, I'm going

To live my life without regret
I will show courage
But I know I had nothing more to give.
I preferred to turn the page
I want to be useful and regain confidence in me
No I will not be stationary
And this time, this time, I will
(Chorus)
To make my dreams
I allow myself a break
Yes I have all my time and I will
(Chorus)
I'm going (x4)
Living my life

THE CRITICAL NEW YEAR 2009

2008-12-30T23:05:00.000-08:00

This 2009, I won't see myself having an easy time with school and homework/revision as this year is the last year in secondary school. Which, at the end of this bumpy road, the General Certificate Of Education- Ordinary Level Examinations (O-Levels) awaits. I don't really know what I'm freaking out about, but most likely it's the going-back-to-school part. I have to face the scolding/nagging of teachers again, go through the same old school routines everyday again, sit in 100-decibel classes again, come across irritating people again, be left out by the more upscale people again, drag even longer hours in class, take tests that I'm bound to fail, etc., ALL OVER AGAIN. Sometimes I have to remember this song to calm down, telling me that school is not my whole life; it's only a small part:

Here are the lyrics if you don't want to play the video (note: this version is sung by Nikki Gil and is NOT the Vanessa Hudgens version):

I gotta say what’s on my mind
something about us doesn’t seem right these days
life keeps getting in the way
whenever we try somehow the plan is always rearranged
it’s so hard to say but I’ve gotta do what’s best for me
you’ll be okay

chorus:I’ve got to move on and be who I am
I just don’t belong here I hope you understand
we might find our place in this world someday
but at least for now, I gotta go my own way
oh..don’t wanna leave all behind
but I give my hopes up and I watch them fall everytime
another color turns to gray
and it’s just to hard to watch it all slowly fade away
I’m leaving today coz I gotta do what’s best for me
you’ll be okay
[repeat chorus]

what about us… what about everything we’ve been through?
what about trust?
you know I never wanted to hurt you
what about me?
what am I supposed to do?
I gotta leave but I’ll miss you (I’ll miss you)

ohh… I’ve got to move on and be who I am (what about us?)
I just don’t belong hereI hope you understand (tryin’ to understand)
we might find our place in this world someday
but at least for now… I gotta go my own way… (repeat 2x)
I gotta go my own way, gotta go my own way…

And I really hope my life will be a lot better in 2009, and I've made some promises to improve my grades too, which are, 1) I will start taking down notes/homework lists, instead of relying on unreliable classmates who only knows the phrase "I don't know". 2) I will make an effort to ask teachers, school or tuition, about work, instead of relying on classmates who didn't even do the work. 3) I will have to go my own way (like in the above song) in order to focus on my way of studying, hopefully seating in front, and not let classmates intefere with my work. 4) Follow all the instructions listed in study skill books in order to assure I score well in tests and exams. 5) Hopefully at the same time to have time to incorporate a healthy lifestyle, including the 3-Hour Diet and 8-Minutes-In-The-Morning Exercise. 6) To have a correct mindset to persevere and push my O Level aggregate grade numbering to as low as possible (meaning scoring as high as possible in terms of percentage). I hope I can go to a good Junior College in 2010.

I'll NEVER use the TUAS/TANJUNG KUPANG border crossing EVER AGAIN!!!

2008-12-08T19:57:00.000-08:00

NEVER EVER AGAIN I'M GOING TO MALAYSIA VIA TUAS AND TANJUNG KUPANG IMMIGRATION CHECKPOINTS (SECOND LINK) !!! HORRIBLE SNAKING QUEUES OF CARS EXTENDING TRAVEL TIME BY 4 HOURS (In Tuas). Even Tanjung Kupang opened nearly ALL of its counters (though still takes 1/2 hour), and its understandable that Tanjung Kupang has reached its limit. And Tuas Checkpoint? THEY SIMPLY DO NOT CARE! Only 2 out of 3 blocks opened (the last one is a white elephant because the Immigration & Checkpoint Authority (ICA) reserved it for motorcycles and NEVER opened it because there are not many motorcyles so they squeezed motorcycles together with one of the blocks. They should renovate and convert it to yet another car block if that's the case), only 60% of the counters opened in the 2 blocks, and yet still EXPECTS US TO PAY THE CHECKPOINT FEE OF $4. Both sides should know that this border crossing is facing an OVERLOAD factor, and they should do something about it. AND THIS CANNOT GO ON. More and more people will want to go to Malaysia in the future, and borders will become even more packed. If ICA has not enough personnel, they should just employ SAF/SPF/NS men temporarily, especially during peak periods. But no more. From now on I'm saving money ($10 a week) so that I can buy an overnight train ticket to Kuala Lumpur (the KTM Sepanjung Malam) or a budget airline ticket (most likely Tiger Airways, but Air Asia and Jetstar are also possible if they provide the comfort and value. It's probably only possible after I get my first credit card after my 16th birthday this April). No more 4 hour queueing for immigration and squeezing in my father's Murano in a row seating 4 people only designed for 3. I know what to do when it comes to immigration and possible crime. So that's it, it will make everyone happier if there's one less person in the car. It's a win-win situation. Come Chinese New Year, I'll see whether I can sneak out of the house to catch my train.

SUPPORT RIO'S BID FOR THE 2016 OLYMPICS!!!

2008-11-28T05:19:00.000-08:00

This 2016 Olympics, the choice of city has narrowed to 4 cities, namely Chicago (USA) , Tokyo (Japan), Madrid (Spain) and Rio De Janeiro (Brazil). I totally support Rio's bid, because 1) Neither Brazil nor the whole of South America never had any Olympics taking place on its soil, 2) Rio is a fantastic place to have an Olympics, with a very beautiful setting, rich culture, and most critical to the Olympic scene, passion for sports. Rio has hosted many major sports events before like the Pan American Games, and since the recent ones are successful, the Olympics are more likely to be successful as well. As with infrastructure, the famous Maracana Stadium can be upgraded and used, and the beaches can host beach volleyball and other sea-bound sports. 3) The host countries of Chicago, Tokyo and Madrid have hosted before, and it would be boring if another Olympics is hosted in these 'usual' areas. Though Rio De Janeiro needs to improve its image, especially the crime situation and the transportation infrastructure, I believe that with the Olympics, Rio will have motivation to dramatically improve itself. So, this 2016, Rio is my No. 1 choice athe host city for the Olympics, and the decision made by the IOC will be announced in late 2009. What do you think?
Watch these videos about Rio's bid for the Olympics:

The future best time of my life

2008-11-11T22:52:00.000-08:00

Probably the best time of my life would be in a famous American university like Columbia with lots of international students to make friends with, and since these kind of universities (especially Columbia) are located in big American cities like New York, boredom(as in nothing to do) is non-existent with attractions, shopping, eating out options and even long road trips available in New York, and this is my kind of life. I'd have lots of friends from all over the world, and there'll be events, parties, etc. Columbia University also has financial aid for students who cannot afford the high university fees, so my only worry now is how to get into Columbia University, and how to progress through their courses.Some people may think Secondary School is the best time of their lives, but not for me. I don't have many friends (they don't treasure friendship and take others' emotions for granted), and school life is 70% miserable due to early and long hours, 100 decibel classrooms, an environment with distractions, foul words and violence, too many mandatory things that are 60% unenjoyable (e.g. Sec 3 Camp and Holiday Bridging Programme), students who are either immature or arrogant, and teachers...I don't know! You may say that's part and parcel of school life, but if you think this is only minor and that if I cannot tolerate this I cannot survive emotionally in the future, it only says that I'm not cut out for school life because almost every part of school life is not to my liking. Furthermore foreigners say Singapore schools are too rigid, so all the claiming of Singapore education is the best in the world are all false propaganda. But I have hope for a better and fun life in my future, especially in university (refer back to the first paragraph), and maybe my future career as well.

The Korean song from imeem at the bottom, Sarangi Oneyo, which is actually a love song from the 'Pure In Heart' Korean drama, but it also creates the kind of atmosphere that gives you hope for the future.

2008-11-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

Today is the last episode of 열아홉 순정 (Pure In Heart/Hearts Of Nineteen) that Channel U (Singapore) is going to show. So below is a video to wrap up the show.

Tired of Singapore school life

2008-10-31T23:12:00.000-07:00

INTRODUCTION

I don't know if I'm asking too much but I'm really tired of school life in Singapore, and I want to move to USA to study there, hopefully living with my American cousins in Indianapolis, although I wonder if life could get any better.

BACKGROUND

For years, I find school really a drag because of the sickly environment of the classroom (noise going above 70 Dbs, and teachers scolding repetitively about the chaos and attitude of the class towards studying [especially this year; details below]), same old routine everyday [details below], unfun school life, etc. I really, really CANNOT stand it anymore, it's a test of my limit towards mental pollution. And it's obvious that this, happening too often, is affecting my studies.

DETAILS

You can tell me, "Nah, it's just part of school life". But would a 'normal' school life include teachers scolding at FULL SCALE for more than 200 times a year? It's like your class gets a major scolding from teachers to the point that they insult you, question your character and attitude, with voice at full blast, all triggered by the small things your class did to anger the teacher (like sleeping, daydreaming, talking, etc.), and the blow comes 4 times a week. I don't know who is at fault, the class for not paying attention, not doing homework or showing attitude, or the teacher for scolding at every single trigger she senses. It even happens in my holiday lessons, destroying my holiday mood. This is absurd, and school is not as fun as some people think. I mean really, the teachers ALWAYS expect us to be 100% during their lessons, even if they (say only) realise that the class is tired from something (like P.E. or the previous day's activity). that those who are interested in studies to like school Think I'm just too sensitive? Blame it on the school's early and long hours, from 7.25am to 1.50pm (to 12.50 on Mondays and Fridays, and from 8am to 1.30pm for holiday lessons). This really cuts short my sleep (you may say 'sleep earlier' but I have alot of trouble with that and so far all attempts are unsuccessful, as if I have insomnia. In fact, my school counsellor told me after examining me that I might have a sleep disorder), lowers my mood, and in school itself it gets even lower and lower, due to scoldings, rowdy class, incondusive classroom environment, everything. I can't really think of anything positive about my class now, because even with their bad atitude towards studying my class is still considered one of the better classes in school. I realised that this is how ordinary secondary school students behave and think (like culture shock), and so I can't fault them for being like that, though since my teacher is already trying her best to control her anger, I can't fault her on making life miserable as well whenever she flares up.

REASONS FOR CONSIDERING USA AS MY NEXT POSSIBLE STUDY DESTINATION

Now you see my classroom misery is not within my control, as well as my limitations to tolerate the negatives, I admit that this idea of going to USA to continue my education is a little crazy, impractical and can be seen as a way to escape the misery. But consider this, if foreign immigrants want to escape the misery of living their country (even if the country is peaceful and well-to-do), then it isn't too crazy for me to try it either. I've seen and heard my cousins enjoying school life there because their school organizes a whole lot of activities that would be of interest to everyone (unlike me joining a CCA that gives me problems rather than fun), organizes many events and gatherings (not like me, 1 to 4 a year), matured students whose classes rarely get major scoldings as scoldings are mainly targeted at individuals rather than the whole class, and friends, since Americans are less conservative than Singaporeans, are more approachable, friendly, sensitive, polite and open minded (though this may be subjective; I don't know yet). My cousins have a HUGE circle of friends, attended lots of school events and activities while having fun, score in their exams due to the good study habits that their school taught them (my school keeps EXPECTING me to know how to study) and most importantly, enjoy their school life and keep lots of memories. I really envy them, and I hate being stuck in a rut in my life now. Anyway my ultimate university education goal is to study 2 degrees in Columbia University in New York, so studying in USA might increase my chances. But now the challenge is to convince my parents to send me there, hopefully research and advice from others is enough...

My potential drop to Normal Academic in 2009

2008-10-18T01:10:00.000-07:00

I'm currently waiting for the 2nd half of my Sec 3 Final Year Exams results. I'm panicking as I foresee myself retaining in Sec 3 or dropping to Normal Academic next year due to the results of the first half I've already got back (E Maths, passed but risk getting pulled down by overall; A Maths, gone case; Chinese B, passed but not counted in the requirement system for promotion to Sec 4; and D&T, the only subject I passed. Remember that the requirement is a pass in English + 2 other subjects), and the predicament of the plight of the 2nd half of my exam results (I don't think I did well for Sciences and Humanities, though I'm confident English will pass). It's worrying. I did work hard for the Final Year Exams but I think I spent too much time on Maths, and yet Maths, both Elementary and Additional, is still not high enough too pull up the overall to be one of the subjects to pass the requirement, as I've failed almost all the previous tests and exams (Maths subjects only). Maybe I should go to Malaysia, Australia or USA to study, where my cousins are, but it's difficult to convince my parents. The idea of going to Normal Academic makes the idea of reaching my dreams even more difficult. You know, this is giving me a big headache, but hopefully the results releasing this Monday can show some sign of hope.